The Saga of Manny

History

2008-09-09T06:32:00.000-07:00

5:46 PM Manny: yo i'm thinking of starting to jog you want to join

5:47 PM sorry i hit the wrong button

5:48 PM me: hahaha are u serious?

Manny: so u want to start jogging

yeah

me: hahahahaha u?

Manny: i

i'll take that as a no?

me: listen if u go i am gonna go with you

5:49 PM there is no chance i pass up a chance to see u try to jog

are u going today?

5:50 PM Manny: i'm thinking about it

me: YES

8 minutes

5:58 PM me: i'll go with u if u go today

Manny: u want to go with me to get my shoes

me: WTF?

5:59 PM Manny: i'm going to footlocker by the N trian

train

me: u don't have sneakers?

Manny: not really and you're supposed to have special shoes

6:00 PM me: u don't have running shoes?

Manny: no i have sneaker/hiking boots hybrids

Home for the Holidays

2008-08-20T06:44:00.000-07:00

We haven't updated this in a long time, mostly because we're lazy, but also because Manny has been in California for the last month.

Nothing has changed though. This happened last night.

Me: So when's the next time you're going home? Christmas?
Manny: I'm going home either Thanksgiving or Christmas.
Tarik: Why don't you do both?
Manny: I am going to do both.
Tarik: Oh, so you're going home Thanksgiving and Christmas?
Manny: No, I'm going home Thanksgiving or Christmas.
Me: What the hell?
Tarik: You just said you're doing both, then you said you're going home Thanksgiving or Christmas.
Manny: ...I meant, I'm going to try to do both.

Manny vs. Tarik

2008-06-12T07:17:00.001-07:00

One thing that has become abundantly clear over the last year or so is that Manny harbors an intense grudge towards our roommate, Tarik. To be fair, if anyone got made fun of as relentlessly as Manny has during the duration of our friendship, they would harbor a grudge too. However, I probably make fun of Manny more than anyone he knows, and Manny doesn't seem to hold anything against me. In fact, Manny more often than not treats me with respect. And although I appreciate the respect, I feel sympathy towards Tarik, who treats Manny relatively better (compared to me), but is subject to appalling and shocking abuse.

For example, we make fun of Manny because he bought and wears black pairs of Crocs. I don't read the fashion articles in Esquire or GQ, so I'm no guru, but I'm an avid people watcher and I have never seen anyone of the male gender wear Crocs. In fact, the only person I know who has Crocs is my mom, who might be the oldest, most female person in the world. So when I see Manny in his Crocs and his natural homeless attire, I think that he's dressed like a homeless grandmother.

Well, yesterday, while we were headed to the Deli, I noticed that Manny wasn't wearing his Crocs, that he was just wearing regular sandals. So this exchange took place:

Me: Why aren't you wearing your Crocs?
Manny: (mumbles incoherently)
Tarik: Wait, you aren't wearing your Crocs?
Manny: ...Fuck you.

Naturally, we've picked up on Manny's mistreatment of Tarik a long time ago, so while in the Deli, we were mocking Manny, re-enacting the previous conversation. Manny overheard Tarik complaining about Manny's unjust treatment and yelled at him, "Hey, I was said 'Fuck you' to BOTH of you guys! So FUCK YOU!!!" Again, I have to re-iterate. He was looking right at Tarik when he said this, he said this right after Tarik made a comment about Manny being a bastard.

Later on that night, Manny was ordering chinese food, but he was saying Tarik's order wrong. Tarik tried to correct him repeatedly, but Manny, getting frustrated by trying to understand the chinese lady on the phone and Tarik's corrections and my laughing, screamed at Tarik "Would you shut the fuck up? I'm trying to order!" I laughed because I thought the whole situation was funny, but I noticed that Tarik was becoming insanely angry, and I know it took every fiber of his being to not punch Manny in the face then and there.

Obviously, there are no grudges being held. But this whole controversy reminds me, that even though a black man is favored to become the next President of the United States, racial tensions are still part of the fabric of America. Hopefully, one day, Manny and Tarik will find the peace needed for a stronger and united apartment.

Why Manny is Manny

2008-05-23T09:52:00.000-07:00

WebMD is one of the greatest sites ever created. You list all the symptoms you have and then they tell you what condition corresponds with it. With this in mind, I started listing all of Manny's symptoms and was shocked to see the results. Here is a chat between Jason and I regarding these astounding results.

Jason: "that's cuz all movie games suck!" --manny

me: yet he buys a ton of movie games
manny is such a loser

Jason: forget all that he bought eragon and he inquired about iron man

me: he would have bought iron man

Jason: and he bought superman the week gears of war came out
he bought eragon

me: i played the game with him for a little
eragon is nothing more than a cheap knock off of the lord of the rings games

Jason: u know manny didn't know that he doesn't read gaming previews/reviews he liked the books and the movies so he decided to buy it thats his thought process

me: which is why he wanted ironman he liked the movie and saw the guy playing it for 30 seconds that was enough for him i assume if he was by himself, he would have bought it but since we were there he didn't get it

Jason: he would have, u know he would

me: manny likes crap which is why he went to missoura OH SNAP!!!

Jason: i think the only game that he bought that i've played is knights of the old republic
and i guess halo 1 and 2 but i'm not really into first person shooters and gears of war, but he pretty much had to be bullied into buying that game

me: gears of war and battlefront are the only games that he has bought that i have played

Jason: WHERE IS GEARS OF WAR?! WHY IS IT NOT IN ITS CASE?!

me: that night made me laugh so much

Jason: that was awesome i remember looking at him and thinking "you're the one that took the game out to play eragon"

me: especially when he almost broke his 360 and would have messed up two of his games

Jason: btw, i don't believe he bought the game for only 25 dollars

me: yeah i remember him saying he got it for 54.99

Jason: i believe that he bought it used

me: yeah

Jason: but used games aren't 25 dollars and he bought the game around when it came out

me: unless they have been out for over a year

Jason: so it wouldn't have been going for 25 on ebay who would put it on ebay for $25 when they could get like $30 something if they just traded it in at the store

me: i think he says $25 cause he sold it so he is subtracting the amount he made

Jason: wtf, that is so lame

me: this is manny

Jason: he could have rented it, and only played it for 7 dollars

me: manny doesn't think such complex thoughts

Jason: at least he is learning that movie games for the most part suck maybe one day he'll think to check reviews or rent a game that he's not sure about

me: yo son he barely uses the internet. i can't imagine not having the internet. if i don't have the internet for even a minute i feel weird

Jason: yeah, like when i'm on vacation i feel weird not going on for like more than a day. when i went to the phillipines it was brutal. the last day when we stayed at my grandaunt's house was only time i had real internet, cuz they lived by an internet cafe and there was this one time i went to this internet cafe by my grandma's house, but it only had dial up

me: ugh that is death

Jason: you're right, manny doesn't really go online

me: i can't understand why not. i never understand why some people don't use the internet

Jason: oh yeah, i live on the internet

Jason: are u in and is anyone comng with u? i'm gonna buy the tix cuz manny is a fag who doesn't use the internet

me: yo son i put some symptoms that manny has into webmd the symptoms i put are:
Body aches or pains
Dislikes change in daily routine
Low self-esteem
Muscle weakness
and Overweight
the number one condition for all those symptoms was... ... ... LACK OF EXERCISE

Jason: yo son, webMD is better than a real doctor that really does sum it up

me: yo son webmd can diagnose anything

Jason: they completely zeroed in on manny's problem although...it doesn't explain why he's so unmotivated he would only do pushups when i was telling him to do them. he went home to california and then sat on his couch for two weeks

me: yo son web md is the best here are the manny symptoms i put in:
Hair Loss
Impaired Social Skills
Lack of Motivation
Unusual behavior
Visible deformity

Jason: HAHAHAHA

me: and Sadness

Jason: i laughed at visible deformity and the girl i share an office with looked at me

me: the number one condition that matches those symptoms is: ... ... ... Depression

Jason: yo son, crying takes the sad away

me: number two is schizophrenia

Jason: i would say schizophrenia i know some people who've had depression

me: he's a depressed schizophrenic

Jason: and none of them were losers like manny

me: he's just like anakin a depressed schizophrenic

Jason: he would probably be excited if u told him that. manny is just a loser. if u typed in those things on webMD and it said "wow, this guy is just a loser" then i would think that it is the most accurate tool known to man

me: i just entered the symptoms:
Blank Stare
and Tilts head to look at something
and the condition to match them was a Botox Injection number two was lazy eye

Jason: manny doesnt tilt his head to look at something though he always has his head tilted. try tilts head while walking

me: OH FUCK!!! i have been focusing on his head when getting the symptoms but i just found out i can combine symptoms from all over i'm going to get manny's ultimate condition

Jason: YES yo son, u should post your results on the blog which we havent updated in forever

me: there is a symptom for Fruity odor on breath i assume they are not referring to gayness. there is a symptom for Uncontrollable verbal outbursts

Jason: YES that is a definable manny characteristic

me: yo son i just finished symptoms for the head and so far the condition is Depression

Jason: yo son, when you're playing 360, do u notice that manny sometimes says random things in his room not reacting to the game he's playing but like random, weird lines out of nowhere

me: yesh which is why i added the uncontrollable verbal outbursts

me: ok i'm done Here are the symptoms:
Blank Stare
Tilts head to look at something
Hair loss
Lack of motivation
Sadness
Unusual behavior
Visible deformity
Unusual facial expression
Difficulty talking
Uncontrollable verbal outbursts
Weakness (Arm)
and Weakness (Leg)

Jason: yo son, i'm excited to hear what the diagnosis is. i'm legitimately on the edge of my seat in anticipation

me: the top 5 conditions are:
5. Cervical spondylosis
4. Peripheral neuropathy
3. Muscle strain
2. Depression
...
...
...

Jason: AHHH i cant wait to see this #1

me: NUMBER 1!!!

Jason: i'm giddy in anticipation this is the most exciting chat ever

me: Myasthenia gravis! that is a chronic disorder that causes weakness and rapid fatigue of muscles.

Jason: wow

DRINK AND GET LAID

2008-04-14T13:27:00.000-07:00

WARNING: This is the most inside-joke post I think I'll ever make on this blog which is basically about the complete inside-joke that is Manny, only because I'm not sure if and how and when it's appropriate to talk about what this convo means. Rest assured though, it may not be funny to anyone reading this, but it's funny to us.

3:39 PM Tarik: yo son i want to get LAID and DRINK

8 minutes

3:48 PM me: man, thats all i ever think about

getting LAID when i DRINK

3:52 PM Tarik: man, i would drive to Oregon to DRINK and get LAID

3:57 PM me: man, i would jog to seattle if that meant i could DRINK and get LAID

3:58 PM Tarik: man, i would swim to jamaica if that meant i could DRINK and get LAID

3:59 PM me: man, i would walk to vancouver, canada if that meant i could DRINK and get LAID

4:03 PM Tarik: man, i would ride a unicycle to north dakota if it meant i could DRINK and get LAID

4:04 PM me: man, i would wrap myself in a box and get airmailed to spain if that meant i could DRINK and get LAID

9 minutes

4:14 PM Tarik: man, i would skip to brazil if it meant i could DRINK and get LAID

me: man, i would crawl to colombia if it meant that i could DRINK and get LAID

4:16 PM Tarik: man, i would moonwalk to alaska if it meant i could DRINK and get LAID

4:17 PM me: man, i would do the macarena to russia if that meant i could DRINK and get *LAID

4:18 PM Tarik: man, i would do the electric slide to china if it meant i could DRINK and get LAID

4:20 PM me: man, i would do the pop and lock to korea if it meant i could DRINK and get LAID

4:22 PM Tarik: man, i would crip walk to italy if it meant i could DRINK and get LAID

4:23 PM me: i would salsa to mexico if it meant i could DRINK and get LAID

4:27 PM Tarik: man, i would tango to germany if it meand i could DRINK and get LAID

me: man, i would do whatever dance move augustin 3:16 invents this week if that meant i could DRINK and get LAID

4:32 PM Tarik: man, i would let stunning steve augustine 3:16 teach me his pimping ways if it meant i could DRINK and get LAID

4:33 PM me: man, i wish i could let stone cold steve augustine teach me that pimpin' is easy so i could DRINK and get LAID

4:38 PM Tarik: man, i serve the rattlesnake stone cold steve augustine 3:16 a beer if it meant i could DRINK and get LAID

4:39 PM me: i would let the raging redneck steve augustine give me the stone cold stunner if it meant i could DRINK and get LAID

4:43 PM Tarik: man, i would let jim ross yell out stunning steve augustine's name if it meant i could DRINK and get LAID

4:45 PM me: man, i would yell out "BY GAWD, THAT'S AUGUSTINE'S MUSIC!" if it meant i could DRINK and get LAID

4:49 PM Tarik: man, i would allow augustine 3:16 to spray me with beer if it meant i could DRINK and get LAID

4:51 PM me: man, i would allow augustine 3:16 to pour cement in my car if it meant i could DRINK and get LAID

4:52 PM Tarik: man, i would allow augustine 3:16 to hug and tickle me if it meant i could DRINK and get LAID

4:53 PM me: man, i would let augustine 3:16 to look at my watch to see the time if it meant i could DRINK and get LAID

4:54 PM Tarik: man, i would let stunning steve augustine hold my hand if it meant i could DRINK and get LAID*

4:55 PM me: man, i would let the ringmaster steve augustine throw a ball in my face and call me a motherfucker while he cries if that meant i could DRINK and get LAID

4:58 PM Tarik: man, i would let the superstar steve augustine spit his rhymes if it meant i could DRINK and get LAID

4:59 PM me: man, i would let my time be up and your time be now if that meant i could DRINK and get LAID

5:00 PM Tarik: man, i would not let you see me if it meant i could DRINK and get LAID

5:01 PM me: man, i would be the franchise and be shining now if it meant i could DRINK and get LAID

5:06 PM Tarik: man, i would not let you see me since my time is now if it meant i could DRINK and get LAID

5:08 PM me: man, i don't know how to further incorporate that song without making it sound really gay but if i did i would do it if it meant i could DRINK and get LAID

8 minutes

5:16 PM Tarik: man, i would keep it on lock like i'm part of the jails if it meant i could DRINK and get LAID

5:17 PM me: man, i would keep the whole block wishin they could run with my division if it meant i could DRINK and get LAID

5:19 PM Tarik: man, i would go fishin with no bait if it meant i could DRINK and get LAID

5:20 PM me: man, i would get my soul straight if it meant i could DRINK and get LAID

5:22 PM Tarik: man, i would brush my mouth with colgate if it meant i could DRINK and get LAID

me: man, in any weather i'm never better when it means i can DRINK and get LAID

5:25 PM Tarik: man, your boys so hot when i can DRINK and get LAID

5:26 PM man, i'm going home to DRINK and get LAID

peace

me: man, later

Shaving a Manny

2008-03-16T19:34:00.001-07:00

Manny, Jason and I were talking about how Manny should shave his face, because he looks like a homeless sex offender. I said to shave the beard off completely. Jason said he should leave a goatee and shave the sides. Manny continued to shave, and eventually he walks out of the bathroom and comes to my room to ask, "What should I do? Should I leave the goatee or shave the beard off completely?"

I told him, "I'm lazy so I prefer to shave my beard completely, rather than maintain." He responds, "I don't want to shave it off completely because I want to separate myself from my 6th graders."

WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?

Apparently the students being 12 and Manny being 25 is not enough of a separation. Manny feels that if he shaves off his beard, he can hide in the classroom and none of the students will recognize him. They will think he is a 12 year old too and not the teacher. What a fucking moron. Manny is such a dumbass.

AUGUSTINE 3:16 SAYS MANNY IS A LOSER!!!!

Moat

2008-03-14T14:00:00.000-07:00

4:57 PM Manny: i think its the moat retarded thing i have ever heard, it almost akes me not want to watch the movie

iHilarious from Apple

2008-03-14T13:46:00.000-07:00

4:39 PM me: hello manny

4:41 PM Manny: hello jay

me: how are things?

4:42 PM Manny: all right that shit you sent i hilarious

Immunity

2008-03-13T13:08:00.000-07:00

2:16 PM Tarik: yo son this cough that i have is mad gay

it's really pissing me off

me: yo son, u should take some cough syrup and drink plenty of orange juice

2:21 PM Tarik: yo son this morning i had some cough sizzurp and an airborne

2:25 PM me: i wonder how manny is doing

2:26 PM with his immune system of steel

Tarik: yo son i assume he is healthy and full of life since he does have a iron curtain immune system

2:27 PM me: his immune system is a brick wall

disease does not get through

2:29 PM Tarik: there was one time when a disease snuck in, but other than that his immune system is like fort knox

2:30 PM me: if homeland security was like manny's immune system, 9/11 would've never happened

21 minutes

2:52 PM Tarik: if the africans were like manny's immune system, slavery would have never occurred

2:54 PM me: if noah was like manny's immune system, he wouldn't have to build an ark, he would just put his hands up in the air and the flood would have stopped

2:56 PM Tarik: if jesus had manny's immune system, they would not be able to nail him to the cross, cause the nails would bend when trying to penetrate his skin

2:59 PM me: if the earth had manny's immune system, dinosaurs would still be around

3:00 PM Tarik: if goliath had manny's immune system, a pebble thrown by a punk kid would not have killed him

3:02 PM me: if floyd money mayweather has manny's immune system, he would beat big show in a legitimate fight

50 minutes

3:53 PM Tarik: if elliot spitzer had manny's immune system, he would never have been caught, and he would be governor of the world

me: if jesse jackson had manny's immune system, he'd be barack obama

3:54 PM Tarik: if mike huckabee had manny's immune system, he would be president right now

3:55 PM me: if hillary clinton had mike huckabee's immune system, she'd be bill clinton

i mean, manny's immune system

3:56 PM if she had mike huckabee's immune system she'd be a poor baptist minister

8 minutes

4:04 PM Tarik: yo son i like talking about manny's immune system

4:05 PM me: well manny's immune system has the strongest defense in the universe

4:06 PM manny's defense system, aka $180,000, aka the cure for HIV

Note: Manny claims he has a strong immune system, which is funny because he gets deathly ill practically every other month.

Cash Money

2008-03-12T10:36:00.000-07:00

On Saturday at our weekly breakfast gathering, which features eggs, corned beef hash, bacon, and making fun of the Manny in front of everyone, Tarik kindly paid for Manny's meal because he didn't have enough cash on him. On Sunday, Tarik, Manny, and I were planning to go to a restaurant by the apartment that we always pass by, but have never sat down and eaten at. Before we went to the restaurant, Manny walked into Tarik's room, and looked at him for about a minute. I was watching this from the hallway, and I was a little perplexed as the two of them stared at each other. Was Manny gonna punch him, try and kiss him, or just continue to stare at his face? I had no idea, but instead of doing one, or all three, of those things, Manny pulled $12 out of his pockets and handed the money to Tarik.

"Here's the money I owe you from yesterday..."

Manny turned to walk out of the room, but finished his sentence by saying

"...by the way, I don't have any money, so someone is going to spot me."

I could feel my insides cave in and I started giggling. Is Manny serious? I thought to myself. I was about to make a smart-ass comment when Tarik handed Manny the money back and explained as simply as possible...

"Manny, why don't you take this money and just pay me back some other time if you don't have any cash for the restaurant?"

...and I lost it. I started laughing uncontrollably. Tarik saw me laughing and then started laughing too. Manny looked at the both of us laughing, with his trademark look of defeat, and then threw the money on the ground.

"Fuck it, I'm not going." He stormed off to his room, angry at me, or Tarik, or both of us, or himself, or all of the above. Tarik and I went to the restaurant (which was excellent) and basically repeated the story (complete with our respective renditions of "the Manny voice") for the rest of the day.

Manny didn't stay angry for long, however. My friend Adan came over to watch the series finale of The Wire, and afterwards we all ended up talking about Manny's favorite subject, Star Wars, for about two hours and how George Lucas fucked up the prequels.

There are a lot of dumb things that Manny has done and that myself and Tarik have used to make fun of him, but I think this classic Manny story basically sums up what living in our apartment is like.

Background check

2008-03-02T15:24:00.001-08:00

I went into Manny's room today, and I noticed that he had changed the background on his computer. For the last two or three years, it had been a picture of Jessica Alba. Now it is some girl from Smallville, the girl who plays Lois. I noticed that the background was "tiled" instead of "Stretch" or "Center" and that annoys me, so I asked him why he had it set at "Tiled". Manny responded, "Oh, if I stretch or center it, then the image will be blurry." I thought to myself "Did he just click and save the thumbnail instead of clicking on the picture?" So I sat at his computer and told him that I'd be able to find a better picture. Manny's computer is ungodly old and slow, so it took a couple more seconds than I figured, but I was able to find a picture of the girl and save it as "Stretch" as his background.

And then the grilling began.

Tarik noticed that there was an apartment meeting in Manny's room, and watched as I went to work. He was informed of the situation, and then he asked out loud what I was thinking to myself "Wait, did you just see the thumbnail, and then saved that instead of clicking on the picture?" Manny just shrugged. I followed up with "Manny, you didn't notice that the little hand over the picture means that it's a link you can click on?" Manny just shrugged.

The apartment meeting was over, and I found out one thing I didn't know about Manny, but that I probably should've known, he still does not grasp basic elements of the internet, which has been around for over a decade.

BombayTV

2008-02-28T12:38:00.000-08:00

You may or may not have noticed the new addition to the Sidebar - Manny: The Movies. Thanks to the magic of BombayTV (which will now and henceforth be referred to as the greatest website of all time, or GWOAT), I was able to add classic Bollywood clips featuring our hero himself, Manny.

There are only two links now, but rest assured, it will be up to roughly 2643 by morning.

Good day to everyone.

Homeless Scene Investigation

2008-02-26T10:52:00.000-08:00

1:21 PM

Tarik: this chick from my job is going to be moving to astoria this weekend

1:22 PM me: where in astoria?

Tarik: we got to work at the same time, and while we were in the elevator, she said she wanted to talk to me cause she heard i lived in astoria

i think she said 33rd and ditmars

1:23 PM me: oh wow right by the train

thats pretty good

Tarik: my question is, who told her i live in astoria

me: yo sherlock, i think you have a case that needs to be solved

1:24 PM Tarik: yo son maybe i should call the apartment plumber to unclog this mess

me: you should get gil grissom on the case

i've been watching CSI reruns

that show is ridiculous

Tarik: oh yeah

me: that show teaches me that the most complex mysteries can be solved in an hour

Tarik: when you watch it enough times you realize how crazy it it

1:25 PM gil can solve all crimes instantly, but forces his employees to run around and solve it themselves

me: it teaches me that you can't commit crimes in las vegas because u will get caught

1:26 PM Tarik: law and order and CSI teach me that if you want to kill someone, make sure it's just a random person on the street

if you have any connection to them, you will get caught

1:29 PM me: the best CSI episodes are the ones where the killer outsmarts grissom

1:30 PM Tarik: there are only like 3 or 4 episodes like that per season

1:31 PM me: yeah those are the ones that are great

1:32 PM i hope that show ends with grissom getting killed and no one can solve it because the only person that could solve it is grissom

Tarik: they would just bring in some new guy who is just like grissom

1:33 PM me: ugh no

1:34 PM they should bring in a new guy who is the opposite of grissom

who isn't good at anything and always lets the killer get away

1:35 PM Tarik: yo son he would be fired after like 3 episodes

manny should fill in for grissom

me: manny is the anti-grissom

1:36 PM because manny isn't intelligent at anything

and grissom is the smartest person in the universe

Tarik: which is why manny would be perfect

he would solve crimes every episode, but it would be the wrong crime for that episode and he just solved it by accident

1:37 PM me: manny would attempt to solve crimes, but make a mistake and get charged with the crime himself

he would last one episode

1:38 PM the greatest CSI episode ever

i'm thinking about manny in the CSI intro and i just started laughing

1:39 PM Tarik: manny would get close to solving the crime, but then he sees a star wars magazine, and the crime would never be solved

1:40 PM me: manny would charge the crime on count dooku

1:41 PM Tarik: manny would solve crimes while wearing jedi robes and carrying a lightsaber instead of a gun

me: no way, that's too awesome for manny

1:42 PM manny would be wearing his homeless outfit, and the CSIs would think that a homeless person comitted the crime and he's going undercover in the homeless community, but in actuality he's just dresses like a homeless man all the time

1:44 PM Tarik: it would be called CSI: Homeless

1:45 PM me: It would be called HSI: Homeless Scene Investigations

1:46 PM Tarik: he would end every episode by saying, "sigh...i don't even know anymore"

me: he'll begin every episode with "oooh, star wars"

the theme song will be "ooooh, star wars...ooh ooh, ooh ooh"

Manny the Apartment Plumber

2008-02-22T13:04:00.000-08:00

Jason and I have always considered Manny as the unofficial apartment plumber, but he never accepts it, until today. This morning, the sink in the bathroom was backed up. Naturally, Jason and I decided to wait until Manny wakes up so he can take care of it. Today I had the day off, so I decided to go to Footlocker to get some boots. Manny joined me because he wanted to get stuff to clear the clog in the drain.

When we got home, Manny immediately went to work on clearing the drain. He began pouring stuff in the sink. When I looked, it looked nasty and weird, so I just returned to my room and began playing Persona 3. While I was playing, I could see Manny going back and forth from his room to the bathroom. On his final trip to the bathroom I hear, "Oh shit, Tarik come here. COME HERE!!!" When I get to the bathroom, I see Manny standing over the sink like when Muhammad Ali stood over Sonny Liston. He says, "SEE...SEE...THE CLOG IS CLEAR!!! I HAD THE WATER ON THE WHOLE TIME AND THERE IS NO CLOG!!!" Upon walking out of the bathroom, he had a smile on his face and a gay victorious swagger. He then said, "I AM THE OFFICIAL APARTMENT PLUMBER!!!"

In all honesty, this is possibly the second greatest moment in Manny's life. The first being the creation of Star Wars.

An unimportant conversation

2008-02-19T13:01:00.001-08:00

3:52 PM Manny: u want to go to best buy w/ me to return my 360?

me: no

3:54 PM Manny: k

An important discussion

2008-02-19T12:49:00.001-08:00

3:33 PM Tarik: my brother asked me an interesting question yesterday and he wanted me to ask you the question

3:34 PM me: ok

Tarik: would you rather have autism and be quadriplegic....

or be manny forever

3:35 PM me: i'd rather be autistic & a quadripelgic definitely

3:36 PM autistic people aren't aware of what they are, so i assume it would be like being a baby for the rest of your life

whereas if i was manny, i would be aware that i'm manny

3:37 PM granted i don't know a lot about autism, but i would choose that over being manny

and being a quadripelgic is underrated, u get to ride around in a cool vehicle with wheels everywhere

3:38 PM Tarik: and you can sue companies that don't have wheelchair access

me: oh yeah

manny can't sue companies for being manny

3:39 PM Tarik: definitely

3:40 PM me: i would choose anything over being manny forever

manny for ten minutes or even a day is one thing

but manny forever would be the absolute worst

3:42 PM here's a question

would u be manny for 10 minutes, if that meant that u could watch manny cry for an entire day

3:44 PM Tarik: definitely

manny crying is worth anything

3:45 PM me: i would be manny for a day if i could watch manny cry for ten minutes

that would be worth it

Manny is the biggest jerk ever!!!

2008-02-19T08:58:00.001-08:00

Everything that Jason has just posted may seem ridiculous, but it is absolutely true. Manny is an idiot.

There is one thing I have learned first hand since living with Manny and Jason, Manny is a jerk to people who are nice to him. Manny managed to be an ass to both me and Jason within a couple hours. The first instance was when he took the rice without offering any to Jason. The second instance was when we went to the deli.

We like to do group events called Apartment Activities. Apartment Activities mean going to the deli, going to the dinner, going to the movies, playing the Wii, or any activity that we can all do. Normally, Jason and I are ready, but the jackass Manny doesn't get involved or takes forever to join us. This time Manny was the one who initiated Apartment Activities and wanted to go to the deli. While at the deli, we each went to get our vaious goodies. I picked up a chicken pot pie and some Honey Nut Cheerios.

Manny paid for his stuff first. Afterwards Jason paid for his stuff. When I went up to pay, Jason was waiting for me, but Manny began to walk out of the deli. When he noticed Jason was not walking with him, he looked back to me and said, "Oh, you didn't pay yet?" What a jackass? Did he not notice I was standing behind Jason on the line? Manny should be treated like crap forever. No one should ever treat him like a human. My greatest mistake in life was treating Manny like a decent human being, cause he is a jerk. As I have said before, I used to be nicer to Manny than Jason is. But now I don't care. He is an ass.

Also, I would like to add some reviews for two movies we saw this weekend as a part of Apartment Activities.

First was "Let's Go to Prison," starring Will Arnet, Dax Shepard, and Chi Mcbride. It was a funny movie, but I was watching it with Manny and when he laughed I just could not laugh at the jokes, even though it was a funny joke. If I had watched the movie by myself, it would have been more amusing, but Manny was there. Unfortunately, "Let's Go to Prison" could not beat the Manny laugh.

The second movie was "The Ex," starring Zach Braff, Jason Bateman, and Amanda Peet. This movie was very funny. I was able to watch it with Manny laughing like a goon. I wasn't laughing out loud, but it was still great. Unfortunately, while watching it with Manny, the most I could do was smile at some of the jokes instead of laugh. Like "Let's Go to Prison," this movie couldn't beat the joke assassinating laugh of Manny.

Here are a list of movies that manage to dodge bullets, like Neo, when Manny is firing his laugh:
Nacho Libre
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
Superbad
The Brothers Solomon
In Bruges
Blades of Glory

More will be added over time. Stay tuned.

The State of New York

2008-02-19T08:45:00.000-08:00

We were at the Diner on Friday with a guest appearance from Sachie who wanted to play the Wii. For whatever reason, the conversation steered towards friends from college, and Manny asked where Brett lived now. I told him he just moved to New Jersey, and Manny said "Oh, I thought he lived in upstate New York." I told him "No, he lived in Connecticut, but that might as well be upstate NY." Then Manny said "Yeah, New York should be a state." To be fair, he corrected himself moments later, saying that he meant "New York City". To be unfair, it's still fucking stupid, because we weren't talking about New York City.

We also held a retard olympics in Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games between Sachie and Manny. Manny lost, so he's officially the head retard. Although truthfully, there really didn't need to be a contest to decide that.

Yesterday, we were watching The-Ex starring the great Jason Bateman, Zach Braff, and Amanda Peet's nose. There is a scene in the movie where the great Jason Bateman gets a call from Barcelona, so he starts speaking Spanish. And Manny says "Why is he speaking Spanish if he's calling Barcelona?" To his credit, he then realized a moment later that it's because Barcelona is in Spain.

Afterwards, we ordered chinese food, and the chinese place only delivered one order of white rice even though I had ordered two (one for me and one for Manny), I told Manny that he could have the rice if he wanted because I am generous and a hero to starving Mexicans, and Manny said "Okay, thanks!" It was moments later that Tarik pointed out that Manny didn't suggest that we share the pint of white rice, or at least give a half-hearted "Are you sure you don't want any?" Manny was just like "Fuck jason, I'M taking the food."

What a jerk, I don't know why I'm so nice to him.

Stardust

2008-01-24T11:34:00.000-08:00

We were at Blockbuster a couple of weeks ago, renting movies and causing ruckus like only we can. Tarik and I were looking at and commenting on a bunch of movies as we walked past. Manny was quiet for the most part, looking at the movies and rolling his eyes every time I saw a movie about gay people and tried to hand it to him. I picked out Eastern Promises because I heard that it was a good movie (and it was good, although I did not hear about the gratuitous Viggo Mortensen nut shots, although I assume Manny has) and Tarik picked out The Brothers Solomon and a bunch of other movies I don't remember. Manny had not picked out anything except for the Halloween remake, which he had already seen.

We get to the end of the New Releases section that snakes around the store, when Manny taps on a box and says "Ooh, Stardust! This is a good movie!" I have never heard of this movie, but I judge things by their cover. And this was the cover.

It might be a good movie, who knows, but sorry, I don't trust any movie that bills Claire Danes and Michelle Pfeiffer over Robert DeNiro, who's gamely sporting a "So I get paid every two weeks on Friday, right?" look on his face.

We stopped by the video games section to see if there was anything good out (Manny, of course, sidesteps XBox 360 Game of the Year contenders like BioShock or Medal of Honor to look at The Golden Compass) and then headed over to pay for the movies (Manny went to the magazine section and of course, sidestepped issues of Rolling Stone or Maxim to look at the latest Star Wars magazine). When we got to the register, Manny had rejoined us, and I immediately zeroed in on the lady cashier and asked "Hey, have you ever heard of Stardust? Is that any good?" She gave me a weird look and said "No." So I said "Stardust is my friend's favorite movie" and I pointed at Manny, and she laughed. Manny immediately got this look on his face and said "Do you guys REALLY have to make fun of me in public?" The answer, of course, is yes.

Suddenly, a dashing knight, the other Blockbuster cashier, swooped in and came to Manny's rescue. He said something along the lines of "Hey, you like Stardust too?" and immediately started talking about scenes or whatever. Even I was confused, because I asked "What are you talking about?" and Tarik laughed and said "You're the one who brought up Stardust, and you don't know what they're talking about?" It was a mild Manny moment for me, but I couldn't believe that another person had seen that movie. Not only that, he was going onto the history of Stardust, about how Robert DeNiro took that role because he turned down Pirates of the Caribbean or Harry Potter or one of those movies.

Long story short, the evil Jason tried to make fun of Manny for watching Stardust, but the valiant and daring Blockbuster clerk came in to save the day. And they all lived happily ever after.

Manny's Laugh Part 2

2008-01-24T06:56:00.000-08:00

Jason previously said, "Manny's laugh will make a clown cry." I just wanted to correct him. Manny's laugh will kill the whole damn circus. If ever wonder why God and Satan stay in heaven and hell, just listen to Manny's laugh and then you will understand.

Manny's laugh

2008-01-24T06:49:00.000-08:00

We refer to Manny as a joke assassin. One reason is because he tells bad jokes that no one understands. Another is because he sometimes takes sarcasm or irony or parody seriously, which makes me think that he probably doesn't understand those concepts.
But the most important reason of all is because Manny uses a weapon of mass destruction that destroys almost anything that is remotely funny.

His laugh.

There are certain things that will remain funny no matter what. There's South Park, Arrested Development, Manny's face. Those are, and many other examples such as Nacho Libre or Manny's walk, that will stand the test of time. Those are the highest levels of comedy, because they can still remain funny despite the fact that Manny's joke killing laugh ruins everything.

However, there are many other things that aren't on that level, that are funny but Manny's laugh ruins. There's Scrubs, a good TV show that I don't really watch, and can't watch, at least in the apartment. This is because Manny's joke killing laugh makes me want to murder Zach Braff, instead of laugh along at his silly antics. There's the Peyton Manning Mastercard commercials, which are normally charming and delightful, but when mixed with Manny's laugh, it's just pure death. In fact, I feel that Manny's laugh is a reason why Peyton Manning and the Colts lost to the Chargers two weeks ago, which is why I'm planning on sending Manny youtube clips of Tom Brady's SNL performance from last year (Let's go Giants!).

There are many victims of Manny's joke assassination, including some Family Guy episodes, Katt Williams standup comedy specials, etc. I feel sorry for them. These examples of comedy bring joy and laughter to lots of people. Unfortunately, that also includes Manny. And Manny's laughter is enough to make a clown cry.

2008: Year of the Manny

2008-01-24T05:08:00.000-08:00

Manny is on fire. This is not a reference to him being a flaming homo, but it refers to his level of unintentional humor so far. Manny has started this year off with a bang. Hmm...where do I start?

2008's first Manny moment was brought to us about a week or two ago. I came home from work and realized the apartment smelled like cooking oil and ass, which meant Manny was there. I was about to put one of my dishes in the sink when I noticed that there was a bunch of rice in the sink. I call Jason so he can see what was in the sink. I then call Manny, and I asked him, why the hell is there a bunch of rice in the sink? He says, he was draining out his rice steamer and the water was taking a while to go down the drain, so he was waiting for it to drain out before he takes the rice out. I look at Jason, in disbelief, and then back at Manny. I asked Manny, why didn't you just use the strainer so the water would go in the sink, but the rice would be stuck in the strainer. Therefore, there would not be a big mess in the sink. Would you believe I had to explain that to him about three times before he understood?

Literally five minutes after the rice incident, Manny complains to me about the garbage cans. I ask him what is the problem? He says, that I put the recycling bag in the wrong garbage can. Now in our apartment, we have three garbage cans. Two of them get clear bags, one for recycling paper and the other for recycling cans and plastic. The third can is for general garbage. None of them are labeled, so it doesn't matter which can gets which bag. Manny said I put the garbage in the wrong can, because the cover on that can always falls off. Jason and I looked at Manny in disbelief. I then said to Manny, are you telling me that you can't just put the cover back on the can if it falls off? Manny did not respond.

In all honesty, that night I wanted to strangle Manny. His stupidity had pissed me off. What Jason and I have now learned about Manny is he pretty much throws out his garbage where ever he stands. Manny is like a child who goes to take a crap and then comes out without their diaper and says, "all done." Even then at least a child knows to go to the potty. I would not be shocked if Manny was sitting on the couch one day, and all we hear is "all done."

The third incident was yesterday. Jason already posted about the incident so I will not repeat, but what people need to know is that Manny's laugh is death. I find Scrubs to be a hilarious show, but I can't laugh at the jokes when I hear Manny laugh. Jason can also testify to Manny's joke killing laugh. If Saddam Hussein had heard Manny's laugh he would have executed himself. That is how I know Nacho Libre is awesome, because even when Manny was laughing, Jason and I could still laugh at the jokes.

Oh yeah, Manny is such a dumbass.

One two

2008-01-23T18:33:00.001-08:00

I haven't posted in here in awhile, but rest assured, Manny has done plenty of stupid stuff over the last month or so. I've just been lazy about updating this.

Anyway, Tarik was watching Nacho Libre in his room, which may be the finest comedy of our generation. Manny and I walk in and stand and watch the part towards the end where Nacho (Jack Black) starts singing about Encarnacion. We all start laughing, because that song is really funny.

Then Manny says "Is this on?"

And we all start laughing even harder.

Ending the year

2007-12-18T07:50:00.001-08:00

I've known Manny since freshman year of college. I've seen a lot of stupid moments throughout the years, but I don't think I've ever seen anything like the year he's had in 2007. It truly was a banner year for what we can now call the Manuel Enriquez Experience. From getting locked out of the apartment, to the CVS fiasco, to not knowing what a doorbell is, it's safe to say that the year 2007 was for Manny what 1927 was for Babe Ruth, 1776 was for America, a year that will never be forgotten.

As exciting as 2007 was, it's even more exciting to think about what Manny has in store for the world in 2008. It's possible that he'll never be able to top the year he had, but it's also possible that this is just the tip of the iceberg. The scary thing is that he could be entering the glory years of his stupidity. Because he may look like an old, homeless bum, it's easy to forget that Manny is still a young man, entering the prime of life. Anything is possible with Manny.

Thank you, Manny. We'll see you in 2008.

"I'm not THAT gay."
--Manuel Enriquez Jr.

Historical Manny

2007-12-18T07:23:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, was Manny's last day in the apartment for the year, but before he left he gave us some great gifts.

Gift Number One:

I was talking to my brother when Manny walked into my room asking for his PSP charger. I had borrowed his charger cause I forgot mine at work months ago. Since then, I have kept one at work and the other at home. Unfortunately, because I kept switching which one was kept at work and which one was kept home, I forgot which one was his.

I told Manny, just take the one on the floor cause I don't know which is which. He says, "is that one mine?" I look at him with disbelief and and tell him again to take the one on the floor. We ended up going back and forth like this for at least five minutes.

Eventually, he takes the charger and leaves. What people need to know about the PSP chargers is that they are all the same damn thing. There is no difference at all between them. Unless he put his initials on the charger, there would be no way to know which is which. My brother heard everything and couldn't believe Manny was such a dumbass.

Gift Number Two:

We had ordered food and we were waiting for it to arrive. When the doorbell rang, we all heard it, but Manny did not. He had to go get the food cause he paid for it with his card. Manny says, "uhuhuhuh sorry i didn't hear the doorbell." I look at him and say how can you not hear it when it is right here. I then point to the bell. He looks at it and then responds, "that's the doorbell? I didn't even know what that was." He is the one that always hears the bell, but apparently he never wondered where the sound is coming from.

Manny has been epic this year. To quote Jason, "Manny is the Tom Brady, Brett Favre, and Peyton Manning of doing stupid and gay things." Like a true champion, Manny knows when to bring out his A game. As the year was winding down, he really has shown us that there is nothing too stupid or gay for him.

Therefore, I will applaud Manny and honor him in a way that is fitting for a champion:

HUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUH JAY HUHUH JAY CLAP UHUH CLAP JAY!!!!

Thank you, Manny. I look forward to what you have for us for the new year.

Manny is a bastard

2007-12-18T07:22:00.000-08:00

Ignore Manny's post. He still is a son of a bitch.

Shut up Manny

2007-12-18T07:20:00.001-08:00

Manny's Side of the CVS Fiasco

2007-12-17T18:50:00.000-08:00

It has taken me a while to write my side of what happen that night at CVS, but here it is: we were at the cashier at CVS and I was in the middle of paying for my purchase at the same time as Tarik. I was busy with my purchase and not even paying attention to his. It wasn't until he and I were were done with our transactions and Jay was being rung up for his, that it dawned on me that they could use my CVS card, too. That's why Tarik didn't use my CVS card. I apologize to him for my lack of consideration.

The best game ever

2007-12-11T10:22:00.000-08:00

Really. Just a lot of fun for the whole family.

Note: We wouldn't actually kill Manny. In theory.

--

9:53 AM Tarik: yo son trish stratus and mickie james are so hot

i would allow myself to be handcuffed to manny for a week for them

54 minutes

10:48 AM me: yo son that would be worth it

although being handcuffed to manny would mean you'd have to go to the bathroom with him

36 minutes

11:24 AM Tarik: sacrifices have to be made for the greater good

11:25 AM me: that would be a noble cause

7 minutes

11:32 AM Tarik: yo son mickie james and trish stratus are worth it

11:36 AM me: trish was smokin last night

the greatest female wrestler ever

11:40 AM Tarik: i would kill manny for them

5 minutes

11:46 AM me: i would kill manny for a glass of water

11:47 AM Tarik: i would kill manny for a dollar

11:50 AM me: i would kill manny for the change in a homeless man's cup

i like this game

"I would kill Manny"

it's like the obvious game only more fulfilling

11:53 AM Tarik: hell yeah

i would kill manny for just the homeless man's cup

11:56 AM me: i would kill manny to hang out with the homeless man

12:00 PM Tarik: i would kill manny to borrow the homeless man's clothes

12:01 PM me: i would kill manny to be the homeless man

16 minutes

12:17 PM Tarik: i would kill manny to be the homeless man's apprentice

24 minutes

12:41 PM me: i would kill manny for no reason whatsoever

12:42 PM Tarik: i would kill manny cause it would make me happy

12:43 PM me: i would kill manny regardless of how it would make me feel

Tarik: i would kill manny out of pity

12:44 PM me: i would kill manny out of indifference

Tarik: i would kill manny on a whim

12:45 PM me: i would kill manny for looking at me

12:47 PM Tarik: i would kill manny for breathing my air

12:48 PM me: i would kill manny for taking up space on my earth

12:50 PM Tarik: i would kill manny for existing in my timeline

12:51 PM me: i would kill manny because his time is up and my time is now

Tarik: i would kill manny cause he can't see me, my time is now

12:52 PM me: i would kill manny because it's the franchise, boy i'm shining now

Tarik: i would kill manny cause he can't see me, my time is now

12:53 PM me: i would kill manny because in case he forgot, i'm still hot knock your shell off

9 minutes

1:02 PM Tarik: i would kill manny because my money's stacked fat, plus i can't turn this swell off

1:03 PM me: i would kill manny because i'm a franchise doing big business i live this

1:04 PM Tarik: i would kill manny cause it's automatic i win this, so when he hears them horns he's finished

me: i would kill manny cuz i'm a soldier, and i stay under you fighting

1:07 PM Tarik: i would kill manny cause i'm stormin on chumps like i'm thunder and lightning

me: i would kill manny cuz ain't no way he breakin' me kid, i'm harder than nails

Tarik: i would kill manny cause i keep it on lock like i'm slaughtering still

1:08 PM me: i would kill manny because of the competition, i got the whole block wish they can run with my division but they gone fishin

1:11 PM Tarik: i would kill manny cause he's got no bait, kid your boy hold weight

1:12 PM me: i would kill manny cuz i set his soul straight, i'll brush his mouth like colgate

1:13 PM Tarik: i would kill manny cause in any weather he's never better

1:15 PM me: i would kill manny because ya boy's so hot, you'll never catch me in a next man's sweater

1:16 PM Tarik: i would kill manny cause if they hate let them hate, i will drop his whole clan

1:17 PM me: i would kill manny because i will lay his ass down for the 3 second tan

Tarik: i would kill manny cause his time is up my time is now

1:18 PM me: i would kill manny cuz he can't see me, my time is now

1:19 PM Tarik: i would kill manny cause it's the franchise, boy i'm shining now

me: i would kill manny because he can't see me, the time is now

Tarik: YES

1:20 PM YES

me: YES

Tarik: the I WOULD KILL MANNY game is so much fun

Manny forgets the keys to the apartment: Part III

2007-11-27T19:00:00.000-08:00

Like most third movies, Manny getting locked out of the apartment isn't nearly as interesting as the first two times, mostly because the story has been told before. But unlike the last two times, I'm the one who had to answer the door (Tarik fell asleep early) and it's fairly cold outside. I think it goes without saying that I had a fun time with the whole thing.

You know what's also fun? Monopoly. That game is the best!

Manny isn't that bad.

2007-11-20T20:04:00.000-08:00

I have to give credit where credit is due. As Tarik explained eloquently in the previous post, Manny was kind and generous enough to lend me his CVS card in my moment of need earlier this evening, and I would like to extend my thanks to Manny. I would also like to offer a note of congratulations on his historic Game 4 victory in his race against Tarik. It's not every day you see a homeless guy who moves like an injured dolphin finish first in a race. It reminded me of watching the whale break free at the end of Free Willy. It was exciting and riveting to watch.

Some may be curious to what each of us bought. I picked up some orange juice and Nutrigrain bars, Tarik got some toothpaste, and Manny picked up an electric razor and some school supplies. I have to say that at least Manny is taking the steps to improve himself. He got a haircut recently, and now he's learning how to shave. Next step, stop stealing clothes and food from garbage cans. After that, reading a newspaper instead of using it for a blanket. Final step, world domination.

Bastard Manny is a son of a bitch

2007-11-20T19:33:00.000-08:00

When Manny came home from work he asked if anyone wanted to go to CVS. After receiving my Jordan Training Gear, I wanted to go out and style and profile. Jason had received his Nike hoodie also, so he decided to join us. Before we left, Jason picked up the wrong controller to turn off the TV. Manny asked, "why do we have that extra controller?" So naturally, Jason threw the controller at Manny, and then left the building to wait for us.

While we were walking, I decided to challenge Manny to Game 4 of our playoff for the Official Apartment Championship. After a ton of bitching and complaining, Manny accepted my challenge of a foot race to the end of the block. I started at the other end of the block and Manny started halfway. Jason was at the finish line. The second Jason said go, I ran out like the Flash, while Manny started like a bumbling, homeless, stupid, gay, serious, not awesome walrus. Despite my efforts, Manny ended up winning the 4th game in our series which led to the series being tied 2-2. Might I add that Manny barely won. If the race was even a foot longer he would have lost. Watching Manny run was like watching an elephant die.

When we got to CVS, we separated and each went for what we needed. While waiting on line, Jason walked in front of Manny and Manny said, "hey no cutting in the line." At which point Jason looked at him and laughed and then remained where he was standing. Eventually, he let Manny and I go ahead. Manny was called up to one cashier and I was called to the one right next to him. When Manny and I were at the cash register, the cashier asked me if I have a CVS card and I told her no. After I was done, Manny was still at the cashier and my cashier called Jason. The cashier asked Jason, "do you have a CVS card?" Jason replied, "no." In less than 5 seconds that bastard Manny asked Jason, "do you want to use my CVS card?" Then Jason asked the cashier if it is ok. She said yes. Meanwhile, I'm standing next to Manny shocked and amazed at what just transpired.

That son of a bitch, that bastard Manny is a battered wife. Jason and I had the same cashier. She asked us both the same question. Both times Manny was standing right there. But when she asks Jason, Manny immediately wants to help. Like a dog fetching his master's slippers. What people need to understand is that between me and Jason, I treat Manny with the most respect. It's not that much, but it's more than Jason. Even Manny admits this is true. But Manny, offers to give Jason his CVS card the minute he needs it, but completely ignores me. Manny is a bastard. This is a constant thing that occurs in the apartment. Which is why I always equate Manny to a battered wife or in this case a dog.

Manny is a son of a bitch.

Yo son

2007-11-16T13:13:00.000-08:00

When we're at work and bored, Tarik and I talk to each other on Google Chat. This is a rough idea of what happens every day on our chats.

9:37 AM me: yo son this barry bonds news has me really pumped up

it makes me want to play MLB the show with my roided up record breaking best player ever

9:38 AM Tarik: yo son Double B holds it down like WHOA!!!

me: barry bonds is a true gangsta

9:39 AM i hope he breaks the california penal league's home run record

9:44 AM Tarik: yo son Double B brings ruckus on and off the field

9:45 AM me: and now the federal government is bringing the ruckus to Double B

9:46 AM i'm glad, this is the best thing that could happen to the yankees and A-Rod

9:47 AM now A-Rod is the hero that will save baseball from the treacherous Barry Bonds

9:48 AM Tarik: yo son it's like batman vs the joker

A-Rod vs Double B

9:49 AM me: a-rod should walk around new york in a batman costume

9:53 AM Tarik: he could have the yankees symbol on his chest instead of the bat symbol

7 minutes

10:00 AM me: barry bonds should show up to the courtroom with his face painted

10:02 AM Tarik: like that baseball gang in the warriors

10:05 AM me: that would be awesome

58 minutes

11:03 AM me: man i hope one of the gambling sites opens up a point spread on barry's trial

16 minutes

11:20 AM Tarik: i am turn right now

i mean torn

me: are you now?

11:21 AM Tarik: yes

i want to got to the movies to see beowulf but one of my friends has invited me to go clubbing and thugging with them

11:22 AM me: u should go club and thug

who are u gonna see beowolf with? manny?

11:23 AM Tarik: not sure

15 minutes

11:38 AM me: i dont think beowolf looks that great

11:43 AM Tarik: i think it looks cool

i definitely want to see it

11:45 AM me: it has CGI naked angelina jolie

11:46 AM Tarik: yeah but i've seen Taking Lives already so i know what she looks like naked

me: i know

she's a nice looking lady

11:47 AM Tarik: yes she is

i plow her like a truck through a snowstorm

11:51 AM me: oh yeah

24 minutes

12:15 PM Tarik: yo son i just finished the first half of FF6

2:20 PM me: yo son i wish i could play final fantasy VI right now

6 minutes

2:27 PM Tarik: yo son i want to go home right now

2:29 PM me: yo son i've been ready to leave work since noon

Tarik: yo son i've been ready to leave work since i woke up

2:30 PM me: yo son i've been ready to leave work since i was asleep at 2:32 in the morning

2:32 PM Tarik: yo son i've been ready leave since monday

2:33 PM me: yo son i've been ready to leave since last christmas

2:34 PM Tarik: yo son i've been ready to leave since i was 18 and first started working

me: yo son i've been ready to leave since i was 10 and my dad retired from the coast guard

8 minutes

2:42 PM Tarik: yo son i've been ready to leave since i was a fetus

2:43 PM me: yo son i've been ready to leave since jesus was a fetus

Tarik: yo son i've been ready to leave since God said let there be light

2:45 PM me: yo son i've been ready to leave since serious manny created God and allowed him to speak

2:46 PM Tarik: yo son i've been ready to leave since serious manny got his star wars dvds

2:47 PM me: yo son i've been ready to leave since serious manny created george lucas to make the first star wars movie

Tarik: yo son i've been ready to leave since serious manny thought about george lucas

2:48 PM me: yo son i've been ready to leave since manny thought of the letters G-E-O-R-G-E and thought that it was a good name

2:50 PM Tarik: yo son i've been ready to leave since manny thought the creator of star wars should be a man

2:51 PM me: yo son i've been ready to leave since manny fell in love with his first man

37 minutes

3:28 PM Tarik: yo son i've been ready to leave since manny saw a woman and said ewwwww

3:30 PM me: yo son i've been ready to leave since manny first saw adam hook up with eve and then had god banish them from the garden of eden because he was jealous

33 minutes

4:03 PM Tarik: yo son i've been ready since a monkey stepped on manny's star wars dvds and manny told god to destory the earth and make it again

4:04 PM me: yo son i've been ready since manny tried to rape a monkey which caused him to step on manny's star wars dvds

4:06 PM Tarik: yo son i've been ready since manny ordered a beef burger and watched star wars with adam

me: yo son i've been ready since manny asked adam out on a star wars date

4:07 PM Tarik: yo son i've been ready since manny introduced adam to his hot pole

4:08 PM me: yo son i've been ready since manny had adam make the pole hot

4:09 PM Tarik: yo son i've been ready since adam's ink exploded on manny

4:10 PM me: yo son i've been ready since manny chewed on adam's pen cap

4:11 PM Tarik: yo son i've been ready since adam touched manny's apple

4:13 PM me: i'm gonna put this on the blog

Tarik: YES

4:14 PM you should put the whole conversation including the beginning where we talk about barry bonds

EASY

2007-11-14T13:52:00.001-08:00

4:49 PM me: hi manny

Manny: hi jay

4:50 PM do you know if you can exchange them?

wrong person

me: you are awesome and cool

oh wait, wrong person

Hot pole

2007-11-11T11:17:00.000-08:00

Manny bought a portable heater yesterday. The reason he did this is because he doesn't have a heater, he just has "a pole in his room that gets hot".

That's what she said. Or in Manny's case, that's what he said.

"Gay!" "What?"

2007-11-04T19:32:00.000-08:00

This may have been the greatest moment in the history of Manny. I don't know what else to say.

We ended up losing in Level 5 on Streets of Rage 3. Yet even in defeat, I feel that we have all won. In dying, we are all born to eternal life.

What's my name?

2007-11-04T18:47:00.000-08:00

Jason and I are playing Streets of Rage 3 cause we love to rage in the streets. We are fighting on Stage 3 and there is a elevator. I get knocked off cause of a weak hit and I yell out "GAY!" At which point Manny says, "WHAT?" I turn to Jason and say, "did Manny just respond to me saying gay?" At which point Manny walks out and says, "I thought you said Manny."

I guess in Manny's head Gay and Manny sound the same.

Ancient Asian Magic

2007-10-23T06:42:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in awhile, but Jason is away on his Champion World Tour. I will be making updates to the blog on Manny's stupidity.

On Monday October 23rd, Manny wanted to order food. I was was not feeling well, but I was hungry so I decided to join him. We decided to order Chinese food. My head was killing me so I told him, "when the food gets here just put mine in the fridge cause I'm going to sleep." As I was drifting off to the world of dreams where I would meet my future wife Jessica Alba, I heard the doorbell ring. This meant that the food was here. Unfortunately, I was very tired and my head was still killing me so I didn't get out of my bed. I heard Manny open the door and go downstairs to get the food.

Now what you need to know is that each of us protects the others from various forms of magic. I protect the apartment from Black Magic, Jason protects the apartment from Asian aka Ninja Magic, and Manny protects the apartment from Stupid, Serious, and Gay Magic. I guess since Jason was not there to protect us from Asian aka Ninja Magic, the delivery guy aka Ninja was able to attack Manny. Fortunately, Manny possesses power from the Stupid, Serious, and Gay, so he could chase away the delivery guy aka Ninja, but before leaving the delivery guy aka Ninja placed a magical seal on the door that locked Manny out of the apartment. Despite all his efforts, Manny could not break this seal. Fortunately, I was there to break the seal from the inside.

Apparently, when Manny went to get the food, he decided to lock the door, so when he went downstairs and the door closed behind him, he was locked out. If I wasn't there or if I didn't hear him knocking, he would be locked out of the apartment all night. That would have been hilarious. Unfortunately, I heard him knocking and opened the door for him.

Manny is such a dumbass.

Summer Fridays

2007-10-07T09:40:00.000-07:00

The Pacquiao-Barrera fight was last night, and joining Tarik, Manny, and I in the Philippines vs. Mexico classic was my friend Adan. Somehow, the conversation turned to Columbus Day, and Adan mentioned that it was good that he had Monday off because his job really sucks. I said that I didn't know whether I had the holiday off, because Columbus Day might be a Floating Holiday (we can take one floating holiday off per year) rather than a mandatory holiday (like Christmas, Fourth of July, etc). I wasn't sure, so I said that I'd just go into work and hope that no one was in so I could go home.

Suddenly, Manny stops "chewing" on his "pen" (as we know from last Tuesday, Manny likes to swallow "ink" that "explodes in his mouth") and asks me "Hey, I noticed that you're going into work on Fridays. What happened to your Summer Fridays? I thought that you got every other Friday off during the summer?"

It's October.

Epic

2007-10-02T19:26:00.000-07:00

We haven't really been updating this blog, but that's because, surprisingly, Manny's stupidity has stayed dormant over the last week or so. I was actually considering upgrading Manny's condition from Borderline Retarded to Mentally Challenged.

Then tonight happened.

--My closet is in the hallway. And I had just done laundry and was hanging up shirts, so I left the closet door open. Manny was walking through to go to the bathroom, sees that the door is open, slightly blocking the passage way. Instead of peeking through to see if I was standing there, or pushing the door slightly so he could walk by, Manny knocks on the door and waits.
--While he's on the phone with his sister, Tarik and I are talking loud, and I was saying hello to her and asking questions. He writes down "Don't Men" on a piece of paper. He says that he meant to say "Don't mention that I'm writing a story," but he just wrote "Don't Men", so it could be anything. It could mean "Don't Men like other men" or "Don't Men want me like I want them."
--Manny has a small Star Wars stormtrooper figure on the table. For some reason, the storm trooper was holding two ink capsules. When Tarik asks him "What's with the storm trooper?" Manny answers "Oh, I just wanted to see how much I swallowed."
--Naturally, Tarik and I are going nuts, and Manny follows that up by saying "That stuff got all over my mouth."

This all happened in the last half hour.

Don't Stop Believing (in Awesome Manny)

2007-10-01T07:33:00.000-07:00

While shopping at the outlets yesterday, my mother bought me a bathrobe from Ralph Lauren. I was excited to have a bathrobe, because I'm all about the lavish and flashy lifestyle, which is why I wear gray T-Shirts and black sweatpants. As I walked around the apartment in my bathrobe, I felt like a king, but then Manny put me in my place by laughing. For a second, I thought that maybe he laughed because I was being funny, but then I realized that he was mocking me. He was mocking me because I only had a bathrobe, and he has Jedi Robes. Tarik was talking to him about buying Ray-Bans, and Manny, dismissively, said "Oh no, I only wear Oakleys." He really put Tarik in his place, it was like watching Michael Jordan dropping 55 on the Knicks at the Garden or President Bill Clinton holding a fundraiser at a strip club. For one shining moment, he owned everyone in the room.

I'm not sure if Awesome Manny truly exists, but for the first time, I feel like the possibilty of Awesome Manny is out there. I'm not sure why Awesome Manny chooses to stay hidden, why he allows people like myself to question his potential greatness. I wish I could be so awesome, I wish I could just say "Fuck those Ray-Bans, I rocks the Oakleys."

I now believe that Awesome Manny is somewhere out there. And one day, I hope to see him walking around New York City, carrying his lightsaber, wearing his Oakley visors, and wearing his Jedi Robes.

The Legend of Awesome Manny

2007-10-01T06:19:00.000-07:00

There is a tale that has been passed down from generation to generation about a man who walks the path of the Jedi. The only thing known about his appearance is that he wears Jedi robes and a visor, he also walks with a lightsaber. Unfortunately, his miracles were never documented, but according to the story, he's deeds have helped mankind throughout time. According to the bible, Moses was able to part the Red Sea with the assistance of God to help his people escape from the Pharaoh. In other documents I have read, the people say there was another man there. Before Moses spoke to God, this man walked onto the Red Sea itself and using his own power, he singlehandedly parted the Red Sea. The only description the people had was, he wore Jedi robes, a visor, and he had a lightsaber. As his miracles became more and more awesome, people began to refer to him as Awesome Manny. According to the legend, Awesome Manny is the only man alive who can stand up to Henry Kayz's charms.

Unfortunately, Awesome Manny is just a legend, but I believe he lies dormant in one individual by the name of Manny. My belief was confirmed on September 30, 2007 when I was talking to Manny about buying a specific type of shades, in response he said, "I only wear Oakleys." At that point I know, even if it was for a split second, I witnessed a glimpse of Awesome Manny. Even Jason, who never believed in the legend of Awesome Manny, became a believer. It was truly breathtaking. It was like looking into the face of God and seeing him give you a thumbs up.

In reality, Jason and I think that if Manny wore bathrobes, sunglasses, and walked with his lightsaber, he would look awesome. Especially, if he pretended the bathrobes were Jedi robes and that the sunglasses were visors and walked around the city like that. This is how we came up with Awesome Manny. Unfortunately, Manny is not awesome therefore he will never do this. Therefore the world will never witness Awesome Manny.

Hot Minute

2007-09-20T10:17:00.000-07:00

1:16 PM Manny: i know this will strengthen my idiot staus, but this is how you spell "minute" right? LIke 60 seconds

status

me: hahahahahaahahahahaahahaahhadhahadhadfkhjdfkhadf'

HAHAHASHHAHAHUGHSHAHUEGWUEHAHAHA

Manny: i doesn't look right to me

me: HAUHAHHAHUHUNH{AHIHAHAHAAHHASHA

i'm dying

1:17 PM yes, that's how you spell minute

Manny: ok

The Apartment Championship

2007-09-18T08:31:00.000-07:00

We live in a democratic apartment, so a couple months ago, we voted on whether or not we should have a battle to determine who the official apartment champion is. Manny has held the title of unofficial apartment champion all year, because we had initially decided that in an actual sanctioned fight against either of us he would win by disqualification. But now it was time to make the championship official. Because we live in a democratic system, we decided to hold a historic vote to determine whether or not there would be a battle to determine the apartment championship.

Tarik and I voted yes, because we felt that this was a good activity to hold at the apartment and also because we wanted a chance to mercilessly crush Manny. Manny, of course, voted NO, because he is not a fighting champion. Unfortunately for Manny, we have a democratic system where the majority decides the agenda, and the majority had spoken. There would be a fight, a joust if you will, and that joust would take place on Mexican Independence Day. The battle was to be held on Sunday. Unfortunately, I had to go home because it was my sister's birthday, Tarik was hanging out with his brother, and Manny had to work at Home Depot, so we could not fight.

However, we were able to reschedule the fight for yesterday.

I was talking to Tarik in his room, and Manny walked over to our side of the apartment as he tends to do, and I determined that he was ready to enter the joust. So I got into my ninja stance and struck Manny in the stomach with all my might. The great beast staggered backwards into the kitchen, surprised that I was actually ready to attack him, even though I punch Manny pretty much every day. I hit Manny in the shoulder and asked if he was ready to fight for the apartment championship, but he retreated into his room. I thought that I had won by forfeit, and I raised my hands in victory.

Only Manny opened the door to his room.

I got into my kung fu stance and punched Manny in the shoulder again, it looked like he didn't want to fight, but he wasn't retreating. Tarik, obviously wanting to fight Manny instead of me, yelled out encouragement to Manny, telling him to do a crane kick. I pictured Danny LaRusso's stupid face and I pushed Manny against the wall, ready to end the battle with a well timed punch to his face and claim the apartment championship for my own.

And then Manny got into fighting position and let out a primal scream.

It was a scream that shook heaven and earth. It was a scream that moved mountains. It was a scream that uprooted trees. It was a scream that sent ocean waves crashing into the land, destroying all in its path. It was a scream that melted ice caps. It was a scream that could freeze the desert. It was a scream that I had never heard before, and a scream that I hope to never hear again.

I admit, I started laughing, but in reality, I was terrified. I looked over at Tarik, and he was laughing, but I could tell that he was afraid as well. I looked at Manny, and he was laughing, but I sensed that there was Serious Manny lurking behind that high-pitched, girlish giggle. And I ran into my room and slammed the door.

And so Manny is officially apartment champion.

DOE

2007-09-14T12:07:00.000-07:00

I thoroughly enjoyed this conversation with Manny.

2:50 PM Manny: hi jay

2:51 PM i have been on hold with the DOE for alomst 2 hrs

2:52 PM me: B-I-G P-O-P-P-E

no info, for the, D-O-E

whats with the DOE?

why are u on hold?

2:53 PM Manny: i'm trying to get some info on substitute teaching and other stuff that'll help me get a job

me: oh nice

and you've been waiting for them to call u back?

Manny: no I've been on hold

for almost 2 hrs

me: ....

2:54 PM so you've been on the phone for 2 hours?

wtf, just hang up and call them back?

Manny: yeah

and lose my spot

me: there are spots?

i'm not sure how the DOE works

Manny: i haven't even spoken to anyone

me: Doe, a deer, a female deer

ray, a drop of golden sun

2:55 PM mi, a name, i call myself

2:56 PM fa, a long long way to run

2:57 PM i'm interested to see how long u can stay on the phone with the DOE

2:58 PM do they have at least music u can listen to?

Manny: yeah

me: nice, anything good?

2:59 PM Manny: but his is bull shit, how many people are calling the DOE at 1 oclock?

no its just the same "We'll be with you shortly" bullshit

me: maybe a lot

maybe a lot of people are getting aboard the DOE train

Manny: i have never been on hold for this long

3:00 PM me: u should tell them they're a DOE fo' sho'

tell them u don't wanna be their DOE no' mo'

Manny: i was watching that last night

3:01 PM me: u should tell them you choose bros before DOEs

Manny: u're an ass

3:02 PM me: hahahaha

alright guy who stays on the phone on hold for two hours

Manny: a guy that need a job

needs

3:03 PM me: yeah you do

still, two hours?

3:04 PM don't u have two phones? try calling back from the other one

that might work

Manny: there's an idea

me: that could also be potentially hilarious if u were stuck on hold for over two hours, with two phones

3:07 PM Manny: FUCK!

3:08 PM me: hahaha u on hold with the other phone too?

Manny: yes

Unnatural Manny

2007-09-14T10:44:00.001-07:00

I understand now, but still, we all share the living room. Despite Manny's best efforts to try and annex that part of the apartment, we all still use the room to watch TV or play games or eat, I even keep my DVDs and books out there. That was my problem with Manny keeping the garbage on the floor of the living room.

I fully understand that Manny tries his best to keep his natural habitat in order, but that habitat is his room. He can keep all the garbage bags he wants in his room, he can even keep a garbage man in there. Manny can stow away all the garbage men he wants in his room. That's his own space. Let's keep the garbage bags and garbage men out of the living room.

Natural Manny

2007-09-14T10:34:00.000-07:00

Last night, Manny sat in front of the television watching Smallville. He had planned on taking out the garbage, but for some reason decided to stop and watch Smallville, while the garbage bags were sitting in front of him. I accepted it, but Jason clearly had a problem with it, so this post is actually for Jason.

You see everyone likes to be surrounded by things they like. I like comics and ladies, so I have a bunch of comics in my room...I'm still working on getting the ladies. Manny likes Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, and garbage, so he surrounds himself with things in those categories.

Jason, I hope you now have a better understanding of Manny.

Remember, Manny only does things that are natural to him.

Trash

2007-09-13T17:55:00.000-07:00

I just walked into the living room, and there's Manny. He's sitting on the couch, watching Smallville, and there are trashbags at his feet.

I don't even know what to say.

Harry

2007-09-11T07:34:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, Manny sat on the couch all day. Also, he was eating a bag of Doritos. I like Doritos, I think they are a tasty treat that can't be beat, so I asked Manny if I could have some. Manny hesitated for a second, before agreeing, he said "Okay, you can have a little, but this is my only food for the week."

I decided not to take any. I wouldn't want Manny to starve. As we all know, every growing boy needs his Doritos.

Also, Manny finally learned how to read, so he's now re-reading all the Harry Potter books. I tried to slap the book out of his hand, because that's how I roll, but I failed because Manny had a death grip on the novel. He looked at me and yelled "Hey, don't hit Harry."

And I stopped and took a look at Manny, carring a 700 page book in his hands, and I felt ashamed.

See, I'm mean to Manny, but sometimes he does things where I can't help it. Harry, however, had done nothing wrong. Harry may just be a book to you and me, but Harry is Manny's friend. And although I may hate Manny with a passion, I can't take that out on his friends. After all, we are all brothers and sisters, we are all human beings (or in Harry's case, a book).

So Harry, I would like to extend my deepest apologizes to you.

And Manny, well, I have nothing to say to you. I hope you are enjoying your Doritos feast.

Sigh...Classic Manny

2007-09-07T08:08:00.001-07:00

Why does Manny do this to himself? He's always doing something stupid. He knows Jason and I make fun of anything he does. If I were in his shoes I would try my best to avoid doing anything stupid, but asking Manny not to do something stupid is like asking Taco Bell to stop being awesome. It's impossible.

I like to equate Manny to a battered wife because whenever I treat Manny nicely and talk to him like a human being he gets pissed off. But when Jason comes in, he'll punch Manny and slap him in the face. Afterwards Manny tells him about his day. I find this odd every time, which is why I say Manny is like a battered wife. He doesn't know how to handle someone treating him nicely so he'll get mad if you respect him. The only thing he understands is being degraded and beaten.

The moral of the story is...Manny is such a dumbass, and the only way to deal with him is to disrespect and beat him.

That's my two cents.

Where does this take place?

2007-09-07T07:12:00.001-07:00

Last night, we're all in the living room, watching the glorious return of the NFL. I've been a sports fan all my life, so I can't watch a game without picking a team to root for, even if I have no rooting interest in either of the teams. I was cheering for the Colts to not only win, but to win by more than six points (which they did, because Peyton Manning is a football god). Tarik is (somehow) a Colts and Steelers fan, and he likes Manning so he was cheering for the Colts last night.

Manny, however, refused to pick a team to root for.

Now, I understand that he's a 49ers fan (and therefore going to hell), but to pick a team to root for while watching a nationally televised game is not a case of sports bigamy. It's not like you have to cheer for them for the rest of your life, or even for the rest of the season. It's called "trying to have fun while watching a game".

He did eventually pick a team to root for, in his words "I usually root for the team thats losing." I don't even know what to say about that. Is he saying that he only cheers for losers? What if the team thats losing takes the lead, does that mean he automatically starts cheering for the other team? Is he just rooting for the comeback, and if so, why not just say that?

In between commercial breaks (after watching that stupid Peyton Manning commercial where he's in a hotel about to get sacked about 100 times), we switched over to HBO to watch the Justin Timberlake concert. At one point, Timberlake goes "Are you still with me New York?" and immediately, IMMEDIATELY, Manny says "Hey, where does this take place?"

Immediately.

Homeless conversations

2007-09-06T13:58:00.000-07:00

4:51 PM Manny: hi jay

me: hi manny

whats going on superstar?

Manny: not much had an unemployment meeting

me: sounds fun

4:52 PM was it like a homeless man's meeting?

did u have to go to a soup kitchen or something?

4:53 PM question: can employed people who live in homes eat at soup kitchens?

i dont see why the homeless get to have all the fun

4:55 PM sometimes, i just want to have a nice bowl of chicken soup

am i not allowed to have the chicken soup, because i live in an apartment

thats not right

4:56 PM how come you get to have the chicken soup and not me?

listen, next time you go to your little homeless shelter meeting, bring home some of that delicious chicken soup

4:57 PM Manny: hahahahahaha

4:59 PM me: why are you laughing? are u taunting me because u got to eat chicken soup for lunch and i had to settle for a roast beef sandwich and potato chips

fuck you manny

5:00 PM fuck you, flaunting your homelessness

i'll make my own goddamn soup in my nice apartment with my pots and my spoons

you can stay in your homeless shelter and shove it mister

5:01 PM Manny: i netflix's policy on reporting shit missing

me: what the fuck?

5:02 PM you netflix's policy?

how do you netflix policy?

5:03 PM Manny: hey i spelled it right

5:04 PM hate

me: jesus christ manny

read that sentence again and see if it makes sense

Sound off

2007-09-04T10:39:00.000-07:00

jason (1:23:46 PM): go to the gamespot.com homepage
jason (1:23:56 PM): we have a stranglehold takeover on it thats pretty cool
manny (1:26:25 PM): nice
jason (1:26:33 PM): did u watch the video
manny (1:27:28 PM): yeah but there was no sound
jason (1:28:11 PM): there's a sound option on the top right hand corner
jason (1:28:12 PM): come on manny

Maybe it's just me, but when I'm watching a video on the internet and I don't hear any sound, I immediately look for any sort of volume control or sound option on the site.

But apparently, Manny sat there and watched the video without any sound.

This is for historical purposes

2007-09-04T07:02:00.002-07:00

I just read Manny's post on the blog and to all the people that read it I must say...I'm sorry. Apparently, Manny assumed the blog is an extension of his gay life, so he posted a ridiculous story that had nothing to do with the goal of the blog.

The goal of this blog is to not only record Manny's daily stupidity, but it is also to inform the people on what Jason and I do to deal with, and how even the common man can deal with Manny. What the hell does a father and son conversation have to do with The Saga of Manny? Unfortunately, Manny decided to act on his own accord and post his lame adventure at lunch. For the record, I am disappointed and saddened to see that post on the blog, and I know Jason feels the same way too. There is nothing more I can say.

I am sorry.

An Apology

2007-09-04T07:02:00.001-07:00

I would like to apologize to anyone reading this blog. We may make fun of Manny, but we try to keep it clean, and clearly, Manny's last post just completely crosses the line. I understand that Manny is going to be going to children's houses when he starts tutoring, but to blatantly declare his intentions by writing about high school boys...I am shocked and appalled as you might be.

Again, my sincerest apologizes to the five people who read this blog. Shame on you, Manny.

The Greatest Father and Son Conversation EVER!

2007-08-30T21:01:00.000-07:00

So, I'm eating lunch at Wendy's one weekend, and I can't help but over hear a son talking to his dad about the PS3. Somehow the conversation turned to him starting high school, and the son asked his dad, "What should I do in High School?" (meaning what should he study). The dad said, being dead serious, "Get laid."

I would like to applaud this parent for his insight and wisdom, and for his attempt to pass on timeless advise to his child. Hopefully it will not fall on deaf ears.

What does that say?

2007-08-29T07:58:00.001-07:00

We were all sitting in the living room, playing the Wii. Tarik and I had just beaten Streets of Rage 2, which is one of the great accomplishments anyone can achieve, and we were discussing other multiplayer games that could be purchased on the Virtual Console. When you purchase a game on the VC, the game titles show up inside little boxes on the Home Menu when you turn on the Wii. They are small, but they are still noticable and easy to read.

Since we had already beaten Streets of Rage, I was thinking of playing Romance of the Three Kingdoms IV, a multiplayer strategy game that came out for the SNES, and we were all discussing how time consuming and how much patience you need to play that game, because it's really slow. We were discussing this for a good five minutes.

Suddenly, Manny, who was sitting in a chair right next to the TV, looks at the screen and points at the "Romance of the Three Kingdoms" box and says "What does that say?" Granted, he's looking at a small box on the TV, but he was right next to it, and while the letters were a little scrunched together, you could still see the "R" and the "IV" prominently. Tarik and I were on couch and we could tell what it said, especially since WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT THE GAME. Manny stared at the screen for two or three minutes asking "What does it say?" before I finally decided to tell him.

Minutes later, I logged into Wii Shop, because I wanted to see what games were out that I could buy. At the top of the screen it says "New Downloads", and under it there was a picture of Super Mario Bros. Manny, who watched me click into Wii Shop and knew that I was in there to purchase a new game, said "Cool, you bought Super Mario Bros!" I had to calmly explain to him (read: make fun of him) that I had just logged into Wii Shop and was going to buy a new game.

In other news, Manny dropped his Harry Potter book in the toilet. He says that he knocked over his glass of water, which is why the book was wet. He's probably telling the truth, because Manny is an honest person. So maybe I should believe...no, fuck it. He dropped the book in the toilet.

Manny the gold medalist

2007-08-26T16:08:00.000-07:00

Did you know that Manny is, apparently, a gold medalist and track champion? I didn't know that either. I was only made aware of the story during one of my daily (okay, hourly) visits to the Worldwide Leader.

You can read about this heroic story here.

Congratulations Manny!

Good news

2007-08-22T19:28:00.001-07:00

Manny got a job today! He's going to be a tutor, and part of his job is going to children's houses.

The jokes just write itself at this point.

Bathroom

2007-08-20T10:31:00.000-07:00

Manny, my sister, and I went to go see Superbad on Friday evening. The movie was great, but Manny had a lot to drink during the movie. And like most animals, when Manny drinks a lot, he has to go to the bathroom afterwards.

When we walked out of the theater, talking about how great the movie was, when Manny says "I need to use the bathroom," and walks towards the women's room that was right outside the theater. Forgetting that Manny is a woman, my sister and I cried out "Manny, that's the women's room!" He stopped, also forgetting that he's a woman, and walked a few short steps to the men's room. Unfortunately for Manny, there was one, maybe two people waiting in line to use the toilet. And obviously, Manny couldn't wait to use the bathroom. He's a busy man, he has a lot of video games to play and a lot of sitting on the couch to do. So instead of waiting, Manny walked to the another men's room.

On the other side of the theater.

A person might say that Manny is stupid for doing this. Another person might say that it would've taken just as long to wait as it would to walk across the theater, and wouldn't have wasted my time or my sister's time to watch him walk away and then run after him. There might be someone who says that watching Manny in action is kind of like being at the zoo. And maybe there's a somebody who might say that Manny is shrewdly smart for going all the way across the theater to use the bathroom, because it is kind of annoying to wait in line.

All these people would be correct, except for the last person. That last person would be stupid. It's kind of like in grade school when people take a math test and the question is 2+2, and all the kids answer "4" except for one kid who says "22". And then the rest of the kids would start throwing rocks at him.

And you know who that kid grew up to be. That kid grew up to be Manny. GASP!

Manny's Rap Song

2007-08-16T10:31:00.000-07:00

Allow me to reintroduce myself my name is Kayz. K-A-Y-Z!
I used to move GAs in Cali.
I guess even back then you could call me, G-A-Y MANNY OH!
Fresh out the cash register into the plunger.
I be the Home Depot number one supplier
Gayer than a T-shirt bearing my name.
I got the hot GA wearing my chain,

The Many Names of Manny

2007-08-16T07:00:00.000-07:00

Throughout his years Manny has acquired an assortment of names. In the beginning there was only Serious Manny. When God realized how strong Serious Manny was he had to do something. Now we all know God could not instantly create someone as strong as Serious Manny. Using his wisdom God created Gay Manny.

At first Gay Manny was weak, but God knew that in time the Gay would become stronger. Unfortunately, Gay Manny could not just prance around like the fairy he is so he created an alter ego for himself. This allowed him to walk around and increase his gayness. This alter ego is known as Henry Kayz. To this day little is really known about Henry Kayz. The only thing that we know is that he is smooth with the gentlemen. Henry Kayz comes out when Gay Manny wants to sweet talk the gentlemen.

When Serious Manny realized how powerful Gay Manny was growing. He decided to create a partner. He called this partner Stupid Manny. Unfortunately, not even Serious Manny could predict how stupid his partner is.

Within the past couple months Stupid Manny's stupidity has increased exponentially. He evolved to Mentally Challenged Manny. But within the past two weeks he has managed to evolve once again into Borderline Retarded Manny. This is his current status right now, but who knows what will happen before the year is over.

To Recap the names of Manny (in chronological order):
Serious Manny
Gay Manny
Henry Kayz
Stupid Manny
Mentally Challenged Manny
Borderline Retarded Manny

Fine Dining

2007-08-15T13:27:00.000-07:00

Did you know that Manny, when he was a child, used to eat his breakfast in the bathroom?

Well, you do now.

Friday Night Movies.

2007-08-13T06:47:00.000-07:00

This past Friday, I wanted to go to the movies to see Bourne Ultimatum. I asked my friend and Manny if they want to come with me. My friend and Manny met me at my job. As soon as Manny met us he said, "I want to go to Barnes and Nobles to look for a book." He said for us to go on ahead to the theatre and he would meet us. Eventually, the conversation led to where we can go to eat. After we ate, my friend and I assumed that Manny was not going to go to Barnes and Nobles. We were mistaken. As we were walking outside he wanted to still go so we decided to meet him at the theatre. We got to the theatre and bought the tickets. After we got the tickets we began waiting for Captain Jackass aka Manny. At one point I called him and asked if he is on his way. He said he was walking towards the theatre now. Twenty minutes later, I called him again to find out where he was but he didn't answer. Eventually, he arrived looking like the bumbling jackass he is. I gave him his ticket and rather than just go to the ticket guy and come in, he went to the end of the long ass line and waited for his turn like a jackass. Now my friend and I like to do nerdish things all the time, but Manny is the personification of nerd. He looked and was acting like a jackass. Afterwards we had to wait on another line to get into the theatre. Manny said he had to go to the bathroom. Shortly after he left, the line moved up to where the escalators are. When Manny came back from the bathroom would you believe rather than come up to where we are he went to the end of the line. Why the hell would he go to the end of the line?

We thought that the night was over, but not for Manny. He still wanted to go to Barnes and Nobles. So my friend and I just left cause why would he want to go to Barnes and Nobles when it was 10:30 PM.

Manny is such a dumbass.

Mail Time!

2007-08-12T08:47:00.000-07:00

This also happened.

Tarik is going through the mail on the table and pulls out two letters.

Tarik: Hey Manny, you got mail.
Manny: I know, I already opened it.

Tarik looks at me and shows me the letters. They're not opened.

Tarik: Uh, no you didn't.
Manny (exasperated, he's playing 360): Yes I did!

I take the letters from Tarik and walk over to Manny.

Manny: Before I went to work, I got the mail...

I drop the unopened letters in front of Manny.

Manny: ...Oh.

Gears of War

2007-08-12T08:34:00.000-07:00

Tarik and I were playing Gears of War, fighting the last boss. Manny had just come home and was watching us play. The last boss in Gears of War is very difficult, because he has a bunch of bats shielding him, and like all great warriors, is able to send those bats out to kill you. We had died the first time facing him, but on the second time we weren't doing as badly, in fact, we were doing pretty good.

Manny, of course, was quick to point out the guns we were using wasn't doing anything to him. And it may have been true, I was using the standard machine gun instead of any special weapons. But Manny, always attentive and a great judge of the situation, said as we fought the boss "Can I make a suggestion?"

And literally, one second later, Tarik shot the boss in the head and we beat the game.

Think before you type...

2007-08-10T10:38:00.000-07:00

Why does it have to be that easy? Manny should know who he is talking to and make sure to double check everything he types. I mean come on, you're typing not speaking so you can easily correct anything that may be taken out of context. I know everyone makes mistakes once in awhile, but to Manny making grammatical errors is as easy as breathing.

After getting locked out of the apartment and now this I can come to only one conclusion...Mentally Challenged Manny has evolved into Borderline Retarded Manny.

Too easy.

2007-08-10T10:34:00.000-07:00

Jason (1:28:32 PM): fable
Manny (1:29:49 PM): actually i was reading
Jason (1:29:36 PM): whoa...
Jason (1:29:40 PM): u can read?
Manny (1:30:17 PM): yeah those old dick and jane books
Jason (1:30:04 PM): haha you're reading about dick

Manny vs. Macgyver

2007-08-09T07:05:00.000-07:00

Greetings! This is your Friendly Neighborhood Spidernerd bringing you an update on the latest in Manny's retarded life.

Yesterday when I came home I immediately checked to see if we had any mail. As I began my search I heard a voice call out to me, "don't worry I have picked up the mail already." When I looked up I saw Manny sitting at the top of the staircase in front of the door to our apartment. I looked at him in his t-shirt and pajama pants, and knew Manny had locked himself out. To verify my theory I asked him, "did you lock yourself out?" As expected he said yes. I then asked him how long has he been locked out. He said that he wasn't sure, but he was listening to the television that he had left on. He heard about half of Terminator 2, all of Ultraviolet, and all of Big, then about half hour later I arrived. This means that for at least five hours he was sitting out there. As soon as he told me this I called Jason. Now what people must understand is that Jason doesn't like talking on the phone, but this was something he had to know immediately. It was one call he was glad to receive.

The reason he was locked out was because he went to pick up the mail, but he locked the door behind him. He tried justifying his actions by saying how I did the same thing before, the only difference is that someone was there to open the door for me. I told him no, the difference is that I was walking to the deli and locked the door behind which is normal if you leave your home you lock the door behind you. I don't lock the door just to pick up the mail.

Manny is such a dumbass.

The Greatest Day

2007-08-08T16:14:00.000-07:00

Today, while Tarik and I were at work, Manny locked himself out of the apartment.

For four hours.

And he tried to open the door with a credit card.

There isn't much more to say, the story speaks for itself. Here's a picture of Garfield.

Manny is such a dumbass

2007-08-08T08:00:00.000-07:00

Today as I was sitting in front of my computer at work I received a message from Jason. He asked me if I knew Barry Bonds was going to break the home run record. I told him yes because even though I dislike baseball and I never watch it, I am not a dumbass. The story of Barry Bonds and breaking the home run record has been in newspapers and on television for months. Unless you live under a rock there is no way you could not know about Barry Bonds. Therefore I asked Jason who didn't know about Barry Bonds. I wanted to know what moron, what jackass, what treasonous rogue would not know about Barry Bonds. All he had to say was "guess." I immediately knew, it was as if a wave of stupidity hit me. How could Manny not know about the home run record? It has been in the news for months. Hell I barely read or watch the news and I knew about it. Everyone is talking about it. Did he lock himself away? Or is his stupidity so great that it forms a shield around him that prevents all intelligent thoughts from entering his mind. Manny is such a dumbass.

Junk Bonds

2007-08-08T06:47:00.000-07:00

Barry Bonds broke the All-Time Home Run Record last night. A lot of people I know didn't watch. One reason is that because the game took place late at night and people have to go to bed early because they work in the morning. Another reason is because they may not care about baseball, or maybe they had something better to watch. Still, this might be the biggest sports story of the year, one of the biggest stories in America today, and everyone I know at least is aware that a baseball player named Barry Bonds was going to become Home Run King.

Well, almost everyone.

Me: Hey, Bonds just broke the Home Run Record.
Manny: Really? Which one?

I'm beginning to think Manny actually lives in a cave, and only comes out to play XBox 360.

KMI

2007-08-06T15:56:00.000-07:00

Scene: We're all in the living room, Manny is playing Fable. I notice that today he is wearing his orange shirt.

Me: I see you're wearing the orange shirt.
Manny: Yes.
Tarik: Where did you get that orange shirt?
Manny: Georgia.
Tarik: Manny, what's another way of saying Georgia?
Manny: Georgia.
Tarik: Yes, but there are other ways of saying Georgia. Like by the initials. What are Georgia's initials?¹
Manny: ....KMI.²
Me: Huh? What the fuck is KMI?
Manny: .......I don't know.

¹ One of the jokes we like to tell repeatedly is how Manny has a fun time in or with GA. This has two different means. One meaning is Gay Alliance. The other meaning is Guy Assistant.
² Manny meant to say "KMA" as in "Kiss My Ass". What he ended up saying is "KMI", which is short for "I'm fucking retarded."

I can't speel

2007-08-05T20:31:00.000-07:00

FUCK YOU GUYS

I am the voice of reason

2007-08-05T20:24:00.000-07:00

Manny so angry at Tarik for make look like idiot. Manny so sad. Manny write post.

To be honest, Manny has right to be angry. I unwilling to say so, but Manny correct. Manny say "I'll go see with you, if you don't get a date." after Tarik say "I'm going to try and see it with a girl."

Me thirsty. Me drink now.

Tarik is an ASS

2007-08-05T20:12:00.000-07:00

Ok, Tarik just made a post about something I said when he and Jay were talking about seeing Rush Hour 3, here's what really happened...

Tarik and Jay were talking about going drinking sometime next weekend, and Tarik said he didn't know if he could go because he wanted to go see Rush Hour 3. He said, "I'm going to try and see it with a girl." So I said, "I'll go see with you, if you don't get a date." The asshole knew exactly what I meant, but he so desperate to make look like an idiot (I really don't see why he's trying so hard, I tend to make pretty easy), he takes things I do and twists them for his own purposes.

Now I can see where he coming from, in his latest attempt to make me look foolish, but really like I said, I unwilling give him and Jay better material to work with than this, so guys really... be patient. Stop grabbing at straws, and just wait till I throw you guys a fucking hay stack.

Manny's Latest

2007-08-05T19:55:00.001-07:00

Manny just came home from work. I was playing my DS and Jason, Manny and I were discussing the new Rush Hour movie. Jason said he has no interest in seeing that movie. I said I'm going to try and find some chick to go with me. At that point Manny said he would go to the movie with me. Why the hell would he say he would see the movie with me immediately after I said I want to take a chick out with me? Manny is such a dumbass.

It's called the Living Room.

2007-08-02T16:28:00.001-07:00

When I got home from work, Tarik and his brother were in his room, and we immediately started engaging in a discussion of this blog and the ever growing strength of Manny's powers. Manny came into the room, because he heard his name, and I immediately wished condolences for the loss of his peanut butter. Strangely, he seemed to get over his loss quickly, saying that it wasn't tragic, just annoying.

I encouraged Manny to write about his experiences with the peanut butter, feeling that it was part of the grieving process. But I found out that he already bought another jar of peanut butter, which to me is just shameful. How could you rebound on such a magnificent jar of peanut butter so quickly? Even Paul McCartney waited a couple of years after Linda died before hooking up with the lady with one leg.

Chris, who has been reading this blog, decided to berate Manny about the post he made a couple of days ago, grilling him extensively about some of the things that he said about Tarik and I. Manny did not answer because he was deeply engrossed in StarGate, which I don't watch, but from what I gather is about stars and gates and stuff.

Chris continued to pester Manny, and I could tell he was getting annoyed. Fearing that Serious Manny would soon be unleashed (and also because I wanted to order food) I started to make my exit from the room.

And then, for a split second, Serious Manny showed his face.

"OK, GET THE FUCK OUT..."

I turned around suddenly, bracing myself for the world to end because of Serious Manny's wrath. Fortunately, Mentally Challenged Manny punched him in the face and regained control of the situation.

"...OF THE...THE...WHATEVER THIS ROOM IS CALLED!"

The room was the living room, where Manny spends most of his days (chilling out maxing, relaxing all cool, and shooting some b-ball outside of the school). It's hard to believe that Serious or even Gay Manny would forget the room where he plays XBox and watches Stargate, but this is Mentally Challenged Manny we're talking about.

Daily Update of Manny's Stupidity

2007-08-02T16:20:00.000-07:00

Today Manny was watching his Stargate DVDs. My brother came over to the apartment so we could all discuss how gay and stupid Manny is while he was watching TV. He felt we were disturbing his television time so he yelled, "OK GET THE FUCK OUT OF...THE...WHATEVER THE FUCK THIS ROOM IS CALLED!!!" How do you not know what the living room is? He sits in that room almost everyday to play his Xbox 360. Manny is such a dumbass.

RIP Manny's Peanut Butter

2007-08-02T13:20:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to say. Manny's peanut butter is gone. It is a sad day for him. We could blame a lot of different people for what happened, but the real culprit is...Manny. How did he not notice that someone came into the apartment and threw out the garbage. His room is right next to the entrance. My room is on the other side of the apartment and I can hear when someone comes in. How does Manny not hear it?

Now that the peanut butter is gone how will he eat his tortillas? Maybe he will put beef or chicken in them as any normal person has with tortillas. I never heard of peanut butter and tortillas until I met Manny.

RIP Peanut Butter. I hope you find true happiness in you new life. Maybe you will be reincarnated as jelly. God speed to you.

A tragedy

2007-08-02T13:08:00.000-07:00

Manny (4:00:02 PM): did u throw the garbage this morning?
jason (3:59:50 PM): no
Manny (4:00:23 PM): do know if tarik did?
jason (4:00:06 PM): i'm pretty sure he didn't
Manny (4:00:39 PM): fuck
jason (4:00:34 PM): what?
jason (4:00:39 PM): nick threw out the trash, he always does
Manny (4:01:23 PM): he's gone, but the problem is my fucking peanut butter is gone
Manny (4:01:50 PM): why would he take or throw away my peanut butter there was plenty left
jason (4:01:37 PM): you should fight him
jason (4:01:41 PM): unleash serious manny
jason (4:01:47 PM): actually wait don't
jason (4:01:50 PM): i dont want to die in the crossfire
Manny (4:02:20 PM): seriously what the fuck
jason (4:02:08 PM): yeah i dont know

RIP Manny's Peanut Butter
We will never forget you!

Deconstructing Manny 2

2007-08-01T11:10:00.000-07:00

This is one of the dipshits that Manny is referring to. People might read what we said and feel bad for Manny. Well you shouldn't. Everything we have typed out is not original. Quite frankly, the only original thing we have said is when we call GA the Gay Alliance and that we call the pirate shirt a butt pirate shirt. Other than those two instances, Manny has actually done and said everything we have typed.

I am glad that Manny is willing to accept responsibility for the stupid and gay things he does. I do have a problem with him blaming us for his lack of a girlfriend. How can he blame us about not having a girlfriend when he is the one who talks about guy assistants? He is the one that went to a gay bar. He is the one that walked into a room and said to two guys..."pucker up gentlemen." Being gay is what stops him from having a girlfriend.

To have a better understanding of how mentally challenged Manny is. Yesterday, Manny and I were talking about beating different video games. I said to him that now I am trying to beat one game at a time, therefore the game that I am playing now never leaves my PS2. The only time I take it out is when I borrow Jason's baseball game so I can play against my brother. He could not understand why I would need to take my game out of the PS2. I then explained again, that I take the game out so I can play baseball with my brother. He still didn't get it. It literally took him about five minutes to understand what I was talking about. When Jason came home, I said the same thing to him that I said to Manny word for word. Jason understood what I was saying immediately, so why did it take Manny, The Master of English, five minutes to comprehend. Manny is such a dumbass.

Another instance of Manny's stupidity is when he was playing Eragon on his Xbox 360. Jason and I were waiting for him to finish because we wanted to play Gears of War. We were talking about how Manny likes to buy crappy games instead of renting them. Eventually, he stopped playing Eragon and picked up the case for Gears of War. When he looked inside he noticed that the game was not there. He then looked at me and Jason and yelled, "where's Gears of War? Why is it not in its case?" Jason and I looked at Manny with shock. We did not understand what he was talking about. He then asked again. At that point I looked at him and said that last time we played we left Gears of War in the 360 so I don't know what happened to it now. That's when he saw it on the ground next to the 360. We looked at him and said you are such a dumbass. You just took Gears of War out of the system so you could play Eragon. It was obvious that he was having a bad day that day, but that did not stop us from making fun of him. You would think my story ends there, but trust me the best part is coming up. Manny was so upset he put Gears of War into the 360 and then went into his room. We started hearing a weird clicking sound coming from the 360. I didn't know what was wrong so I asked Manny, of course he didn't know. When I opened the disc drive I saw what was wrong. Apparently Captain Jackass aka Manny put Gears of War in the drive, but never took out Eragon. So the system was trying to spin two discs at the same time. He almost broke his 360. At that point his entire day was over cause Jason and I never let that die, even when he went into his room and closed his door to cry or masturbate or both, we did not stop laughing and making fun of him. Manny is such a dumbass.

Deconstructing Manny

2007-08-01T10:17:00.000-07:00

Hi, this is one of the two dipshits that rag on Manny with this blog. I'm not really upset that we're doing this. In fact, I am delighted. I do this shit EVERY-FUCKING-DAY!

I have grown accustom to telling each and every person I know about the ways of this being called Manny, because I have grown accustom to about Manny is how stupid he is. It is an easy thing to get accustom to. I am also accustom to eating and breathing. Just like Manny is accustom to not knowing how to spell.

Finally, as I am write this and other stories I'd glad I will always remember, I realize one thing. Manny is never going to get a girlfriend because he doesn't like girls. He likes men and tortillas with peanut butter.

Manny's Side

2007-08-01T09:01:00.000-07:00

Hi, this is the guy that these two dip shits are ragging on with this blog. I'm not really upset that they're doing this, I put up with this shit EVERY-FUCKING-DAY! They tell virtually everyone they meet about me and my dumb ass ways, so I've grown accustom to it. Unfortunately for me, everything they have said (except for a few minor details) is 100% true. I don't believe in making excuses so I'm not going to bother with any. I'm just going to say that- yes, I'm an idiot and I say and do a lot of stupid shit that is sometimes taken out of context (most times they aren't which is sad). What can I say, I'm weird and most of the shit I say and do only makes sense to me. Finally as I am read all the embarrassing stories that I'd rather forget ever happened (the gay bar story mostly but not the only one) I realize one thing- I am never going to get a girlfriend with these two assholes around!

The Real Manny Part II: Even Mannier.

2007-07-31T15:58:00.000-07:00

Here's some more of Manny's greatest hits.

BACON EATING PORK

We're watching the South Park season 2 DVDs one day because we were bored and South Park is a great show. During one of the intros to one of the episodes, Parker and Stone are talking while a pig eats a plate of bacon. So Manny, the great commentator that he is, yells out "Hey, that bacon is eating pork!"

THE GUY ASSISTANT

THE GUY AT WORK

We are all incredibly lazy at our apartment, so it is rare that one of us cooks. It is especially rare nowadays since we do not have a working freezer, but rather a small refrigerator and a large device that keeps things cool.

So it was especially odd when I walked out of my room to see Manny cooking one day.

And it was even odder because Manny was cooking a feast. He had a big pot of meat going, a pot of rice, some tortilla shells on the counter, and he was on the phone with his sister asking for tips on what to do. When Manny cooks, he usually makes something simple, like Hot Dogs or Tortillas with Peanut Butter, and on rare occasions, he cooks some beef or chicken teriyaki. Because I thought this was strange, I asked him "Hey, why are you cooking so much food?"

"Oh, I'm cooking for this guy at work."

I thought this was very odd, who the hell cooks for a guy at work?

"You're cooking for a guy at work?"

"Yeah, this guy at work told me that I can't cook, so I'm going come in and prove that I can."

Now I'm as competitive as anyone I know. But if a guy, any guy, for some reason, said, "Hey, I bet you can't cook." I certainly wouldn't cook for him. Why? Because I don't care that much about what other guys think of my cooking skills. But Manny does, apparently. There's nothing wrong with that though, sometimes it's fun to watch two people flirt with one another.

Actually, it isn't that fun at all. Only when Manny does it unintentionally (intentionally?).

I also think it's funny that Manny was so hell bent on proving to this guy that he could cook, he called his sister and asked her how to cook.

PUCKER UP GENTLEMEN

I've known Manny for many years now, but this one might be the hardest I've laughed at him. Ever.

HE WENT TO A GAY BAR (the new Gay Manny)...

The funny thing about this post is that I was back-handed insulting Manny the entire night, saying that Tarik was the new Gay Manny because he wouldn't go to a free show with me. He obviously didn't get it, because the first thing Manny does when he gets home is tell Tarik, "You're the new Gay Manny!"

...BUT HE'S NOT THAT GAY

One night, Manny and I were getting on the subway to head over to the movie theater. We were both listening to our iPods, because to be honest, we don't like talking to each other that much.

Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I see Manny do some sort of dance. I have never seen Manny dance before, and it is not pretty. It's like watching a gorilla killing a bee. It may not be the worst thing I have ever seen, but it's close.

Actually, it probably is the worst thing I've ever seen.

I asked him "What the fuck was that?"

Manny, a little embarassed, responded "Oh, nothing. I was just practicing my Heisman."

That sort of made sense. "Oh, okay. I thought you were voguing for a second."

Manny looked at me dismissively and said "Come on, I'm not that gay."

I can't do any of these stories justice. Like most inside-jokes, none of these are probably as funny unless you know Manny himself. There are characters, and then there are CHARACTERS. Manny, for all his stupidity and gayness and seriousness, belongs in the second category.

The Real Manny

2007-07-31T13:13:00.000-07:00

Here are a list of the things Manny does to show which side is currently the dominant side..

1. His Three of shirts:

The Orange Shirt: Manny has in his possession a shirt he acquired while visiting GA. He says GA stands for Georgia, and normally it would. But Manny is not a normal person. We have determined that GA stands for Gay Alliance. So when he wears that shirt we know what he is trying to represent. He's here, he's queer, get used to it.
The Marine Shirt: Manny's second shirt is the Marine shirt. It has a quote on it that says, "Pain is weakness leaving the body." When he is somewhat serious and not in the mood to play fight he dons this article of clothing. It represents his determination and his drive to end things.
The Butt Pirate Shirt: This is the final and most feared shirt. It has no special writing or saying on it. It is just a plain white shirt with a picture of a pirate on it. That symbol gives me goose bumps just thinking about it. There is no witty remark I can say about this shirt. When he has it on, he is in full Gay Manny mode.

2. When we were all looking for any apartment, Manny was the only person who knew how to get to the realtor. As he was guiding us there this is what he said, "I feel like Gollum leading you through the dead marsh." Jason and I looked at him with disbelief. We thought that was the dumbest thing he could possibly say, but in time we learned...we were wrong.

3. The day after the Gollum line, we were in the car with the realtor. He was going to take us to an apartment to checkout. The three of us sat in the backseat cause another client was coming with us. I was sitting behind the driver, Jason was in the middle, and Manny was sitting behind the passenger seat. The other client came to the passenger side, but the door was locked. I said, "Manny open the door for that guy." His response (I can't even make this up), "what am I supposed to do use the force?" At that point, Jason reached over and opened the door. How the hell can Jason each over and open it, but Manny who is sitting right behind the passenger seat couldn't open it. Manny is such a dumbass.

4. Since the beginning of 2007, Manny has been having a real big problem adjusting to the New York time. I once asked him what time is it and he gave me the time in California. Now that would be ok if he just moved here, but he has been living in New York since he started in St. John's. This makes no sence (I know I spelled sense wrong but this is how Manny thought it was spelled). How can you confuse California and New York times if you've lived here for over five years. Manny is such a dumbass.

5. Manny has a Xbox 360, which he plays a lot. For all his time playing it, he doesn't even know how the damn thing works. You can create multiple profiles on the 360 so I have one, Jason has one, and of course Manny has one. When he got Spiderman 3, he played a little and then stopped. I decided to play using the 360 profile I created. I played for ten minutes and I never played again. After I was done, Manny went to play again and noticed that the save file left off were I stopped. He knew he had gotten much farther in the game so he didn't understand what was wrong. Would you believe he didn't play the game at all cause of that? The reason he didn't play anymore is because he didn't know how to switch 360 profiles. His game was saved under his profile, and my game was saved under my profile. Since he didn't know how to go back to his profile, he just didn't play the game. I had to show him how to switch profiles. I DON'T EVEN HAVE A F'ING XBOX 360!!! Manny is such a dumbass.

6. On Friday, Manny and I decided to play Star Wars Battlefront 2 on the Xbox 360. We played for over three hours. After we were done, we saved the game. On Monday, when we went back to play I noticed that the time and date of the save file was weird. He said, "since we stopped playing at like 3 AM, the time would be weird." I learned two things that day: 1. Manny doesn't know how to change the time and date on his 360, and 2. Manny can't read. The save file said 11/22/2005 15:23:46. How the hell does that mean 3 AM? Now I was never in the military but I know 15:23:46 means 3:23:46 PM. Also, the date says Nov. 22, 2005. He said he never noticed it. I saw it and I barely play his 360. He plays it almost everyday. Manny is such a dumbass.

Manny: The Man, the Myth, the Stupid

2007-07-31T12:30:00.000-07:00

At first Stupid Manny was one of the weakest beings in the world. But recently we realized his power was increasing at an exponential rate. As I type this Stupid Manny has evolved from stupid to mentally challenged. The different forms of Stupid Manny from weakest to strongest are: Stupid, Borderline Mentally Challenged, Mentally Challenged, Borderline Retarded, Retarded, and finally Brain Dead.

Jason and I have tried to discuss what might happen if Manny became brain dead. I said he would be so stupid that he would just do nothing. But Jason made a valid point by saying, "it's possible he'll do something so mind blowingly stupid the world ends." After a long discussion we determined that the evolution of his stupidity could not be stopped, but it could be held back for short periods of time. And what could hold back his stupidity? One word...video games. The one word thing is something that Manny said when describing the Colts kicker. He literally said, "one word...Adam Vinatieri, I mean two words." That is a perfect example of the evolution of his stupidity.

We noticed that when he plays video games is when he is at his peak of intelligence. That doesn't mean he becomes intelligent. It means instead of being mentally challenged he's just stupid. An example of this is when he was playing Star Wars Knights 2, I asked him, "what character are you?" His response was, (and I'm no lying) "dormitory level."

Some may ask why do you and Jason discuss these things in great length? The answer to that is simple. As the fourth and fifth most powerful beings in the world, we must form various plans of action to protect ourselves and the world from Serious Manny and Brain Dead Manny's wrath. Even though we possess so much power, we follow the ideals of a man who is not as strong as us but his wisdom is beyond his years. I speak of the benevolent, humble, and glorious King Booker. He taught us how to be humble even though we are superior to everyone else.

I hope this will educate the normal people in this world so they understand what Jason and I have to deal with on a daily basis.

History Lesson

2007-07-31T11:58:00.000-07:00

In the beginning, Serious Manny created God. God then created the universe, the moon, the stars, all the different planets and the different beings that lived on those planets. One of those beings decided to steal one of Serious Manny's Star Wars DVDs, not knowing how Serious Manny doesn't like when people touch his Star Wars DVDs. Serious Manny then got pissed and decided to destroy the world that God created. This is because Serious Manny does not play fight. Serious Manny ends things.

God, knowing that he was overmatched, created two beings that would grow more powerful over time, Gay Manny and Stupid Manny, in order to keep Serious Manny from destroying the planet ever again.

The real story: Manny does a lot of stupid shit. Manny says a lot of gay things. And it's hard to take Manny seriously, even when he's being serious, he still manages to doing something stupid. Or gay. Or both.

In all seriousness (no pun intended. Actually fuck it, pun intended.), Manny is a good guy and a great sport and it's a shame he does some many stupid things, and that he lives with vultures like Tarik and I who prey on people doing stupid stuff. There's a good chance he'll end up truly becoming Serious Manny and end the world. And that will not be pretty.

There are too many Stupid/Gay/Serious Manny stories to count (The Marine picture being one of them). We'll try and fit them all if we can, but I'm afraid that the internet isn't big enough for that.